german potato salad and paprika chicken

I’m officially running on fumes – I haven’t been to sleep since Sunday night, and god knows why – I’m not suffering with insomnia or anything exciting, just didn’t feel tired last night. Which meant I was up typing up some new stuff for the book at 3am in the morning and driving into work at 6am. Actually, that’s a bit of a fib and in the spirit of being open and honest, I was actually kept awake by my body thoroughly rejecting the remnants of our bank holiday blowout – a Dominos pizza. I told Paul to order something nice and he ordered a bloody pizza with onion bhajis on it. Is it any wonder I spent most of the night dancing the sour-apple quickstep and bemoaning the fact I hadn’t put the baby wipes in the fridge to cool my nipsy?

I’m not surprised we both got ill, frankly. I mean, for a kick off, a Dominos pizza is like a zillion syns – I’m surprised Margaret herself didn’t kick my door in like a drug enforcement officer and snatch the Slimmer of the Month certificate off the fridge. Plus, it was almost two hours late thanks to the delivery driver getting lost. To put that in perspective, the Dominos we order from is probably around 5 miles away down a straight road. You couldn’t get lost if you tried. I mean admittedly the driver was as thick as a donkey’s cock and could barely string a sentence together, but even so, it’s not that taxing. I should sue.

Book is coming along nicely mind (but combined with our workloads being all over the place, means I’m not having the same amount of time to write for the blog – but don’t worry!) – here’s a couple of small excerpts:

On sparrows:

Paul was being terribly polite and British about the whole thing but I immediately weighed in on the argument to point out that ‘the Sparrow Ambulance was tied up attending to a coal tit with hurt feelings’ and that I lamented the fact I hadn’t had the foresight to fashion the poor bugger a tiny sling from a spent match and a postage stamp’.

On hotels:

Instead we showered, shrieked a bit, use the tiny hairdryer to attempt to dry my back hair despite said hairdryer being so weak it barely shifted the top off my free cappuccino, and unpacked our suits.

On flatulence:

Remember we were in a stable block too with other guests in adjoining rooms – it probably sounded like we were mixing cement all night.

On Paul:

I don’t know what Paul does to the crotch of trousers and boxer shorts but you’d think he had a sack of iron filings instead of a scrotum, because they’re always torn to shreds within a few days worth of use so every time he crosses his leg a bollock drops out like the last tangerine in the fruit basket.

Ah yes! How about a recipe? This was actually my favourite meal in a long time and really could not have been simpler to make. Serves two mouth-breathing fatties.

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to make german potato salad and paprika chicken, you’ll need:

ingredients for chicken: two decent sized chicken breasts – you don’t want one of those nasty supermarket breasts that look like the sole of a built-up shoe, treat yourself and get decent meat, plus garlic powder (1/2tsp), 1 tbsp of smoked paprika, pinch of black pepper and 1.5tbsp tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce

ingredients for german potato salad: three large potatoes, 4 bacon medallions cooked and cut into strips, 40ml of rice vinegar, 65ml of chicken stock, 1tbsp of dijon mustard (technically I think this is a syn, but split between two…well I won’t tell if you don’t), half a decent sized red onion cut nice and fine (or use red spring onions if you can get them, which we can, because we’re geet posh as owt), tablespoon of fat free greek yoghurt, 20ml of white wine vinegar, some chives for the top if you have them kicking about but don’t shit your pants if you haven’t got them in.

to make german potato salad and paprika chicken, you should:

recipe for chicken:

  • combine all the spices with the Worcestershire sauce to make a rub and rub that rub (great writing there, would recommend) into the chicken, getting your fingers deep into every moist crack and really ensuring your meat is slick and covered
  • pop into the fridge to marinade – longer you leave it, the better, but you can hoy it under the grill for around ten minutes a side and cook until the juices run clear when you finger it (the chicken that is, not you)
  • serve with your salad, but oh no, you’ll need to make the salad, so here we go..

recipe for german potato salad:

  • boil the potato for 25 minutes (you want them firm but a bit soft around the edges, like a middle-aged man in a Luton brothel) and then cut into thumb sized chunks (normal thumb, we’re not using Jeremy Beadle as a comparative);
  • NOTE: don’t bloody skin the potatoes, the skin is the best bit
  • as soon as the chunks are cut up, tip in the rice vinegar, mix and let them soak for a moment or two
  • add the chicken stock
  • in a little bowl mix the white wine vinegar, yoghurt and mustard together (whisk quickly, it’ll start to split if you so much as blink) and tip over the potatoes – mix again – don’t be shy about mixing, it’ll rough up the potatoes as you mix
  • add the onion and bacon
  • when you’re ready to serve, chop some chives over the top
  • the longer you leave this dish to sit, the better it’ll be

As ever, enjoy!

J

Comments

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8 thoughts on “german potato salad and paprika chicken

    • I’m now addicted to your site, not just for the excellent recipe ideas but for the humour. I’ve just been reading some of the above out loud to my hubby, who was greatly amused, keep up the good work guys. I now know where to go for a laugh 🙂

    • Oooh! I’ll ask Paul when he returns – I might have been a bit heavy on the vinegar in the recipe – definitely a good idea to use more yoghurt, especially if the potatoes are floury! Good idea (and sorry it took so long to approve your comment, our app has been malfunctioning!)

  1. I love the sound of this recipe, but not only that, I laughed out loud whilst reading the post. As someone who often has been described as having a sense of humour failure, that means your blog must be really funny! 😀

  2. 🙂 Just prep’d this for tonight waiting on the gas man, panicking that he might turn up whilst am cutting the totties- meant to be here at 8am and its nearly 2pm and still haven’t turned up – argghhhh…. i had to improvise so here’s hoping its great – i had to use some sweet potatoes as i had nothing left. Thanks for your great recipes, i have made a lot of them and they all taste magic – keep up the good work by keeping things interesting for the rest of us chubby cubs 🙂 love from Scotland.

  3. Thanks for the recipe, guys – the potato salad was the most moreish thing I have eaten for ages (certainly since discovering the pleasures of food optimisation). A slight faff to make, but well worth it. It is miles better even than slimming world chips. I left out the chives and did not feel at all deprived. The paprika chicken is also a winner – and that was after just 45 minutes of marination. So hopefully the one super-marinating in the fridge for tomorrow will be even better. I cooked mine on a grill pan and it was nice and charred. I am clearly becoming a chubby cub chaser as I will be having the Brussels sprout risotto this evening and will let you know how it goes. But on the basis of today, this is REAL FOOD. I can still taste the mustard, so that has to be the best use of half a syn that there can be (apart from one-eighth of a vodka, obviously). Great blog and writing!

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