Christmas is over, now it’s time to get serious

Go on, admit it, you’ve missed us. Christmas was alright, the food delicious, the atmosphere wonderful but at the back of your mind, burning away like a bout of cystitis earned from a bout of regretful office-sex at the Christmas party, something hasn’t been quite right. What happened? Perhaps Paul had had enough of cooking me delicious meals only for me to litter the recipe cards with swearing and euphemisms for fisting and done me in with a slow-cooked lamb shank? Well, neither.

As ever, the truth is far less interesting – I got too caught up with Christmas stuff and work, had a great Christmas, and have then spent the last week full of flu and cold. And not man-flu, either. I take great exception to that turn of phrase, actually – I don’t see why it is fair to put down men for being ill. I reckon I could go out and about with my lungs coughed up through my mouth and the skitters blowing out of my arse like an overflow pipe from an at-capacity dam and someone would still tut and go ‘tsk, man-flu, don’t know how easy you men have got it’. We suffer too! If anyone does say that to me, I’m going to cough the wallpaper-paste contents of my lung right in their cornea. I’ve seen 28 Days Later, I know how this shit will go down.

To make it worse, Paul and I have had this illness, which has manifested itself in lots of coughing, blocked ears, blocked noses, no energy, tinnitus, inability to eat, crap or walk without seismic, bone-rattling amounts of hacking and spluttering, since the day before Christmas. I’m half-heartedly hoping the neighbours have overheard and are planning a Make-a-Wish intervention anytime soon. Still, as Freddie Mercury sang, the show must go on – so here we are.

My New Year’s Resolutions are threefold – to write more (and perfectly, Paul’s resolution is to read more, so he can be my proof-reader), be more sociable and to actually take this weight loss business seriously. I’m going to be thirty this year – I want at least one bath in my lifetime where my fat arse and side-flanks don’t create a dam behind me when I sit up, creating a disgusting slurping noise as I tear skin away from enamel when I get up and the water rushes back. Writing more is easy – I love the sound of my own heavy breathing as I clatter away on my keyboard, but being sociable is a tricky prospect. I spend a good 90% of my time feeling mildly irritated by something – annoyance just running in the background like the noise of an air-conditioner or the ticking of a clock, only this is normally as a result of someone having a stupid face or wearing nasty perfume. This peaks when I’m out by myself – I actually caught myself growling and showing my teeth in John Lewis when I was Christmas shopping, which I’m fairly sure is a sign of being a sociopath. But nevermind, I’ll work privately on that. So what does this mean for the blog?

As before, we are going to follow the Slimming World plan, with our classes and weigh-in taking place on a Monday. We will aim to do 5 new recipes a week, with a soup and a salad option where possible. Recipe cards will be dished out as before, and there will be plenty of sass and sarcasm included. We want to aim to lose 2lb a week – doesn’t sound like a lot but if we keep at it, that’s 104lb in a year each – over seven stone, which is roughly what we both need to lose anyway. We still have a shitload of Christmas food to work through and our next class is on Monday, so we’ll start then.

We’ve also set up a companion Facebook group which you can find by searching for ‘Two Chubby Cubs: Slimming World, Syns and Sass’ or clicking here (haven’t officially kicked it off yet, so it’ll start soon!) and we’ll add you in and you can post questions and whatnot in there if that helps. We’ll also be posting more photos and general nonsense in there. All good fun!

Until Monday then – I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year. Here’s to 2015…