I’m in a huff. I left work at 5pm and it took me two hours to get home, saying as every single person in the world decided in unison to drive towards Alnwick on the A1. Bumper to bumper traffic and even though I took a diversion seemingly via Northern Ireland, it was still all very stressful. I’ve mentioned so many times about poor drivers that this barely needs a mention but a big FUCK YOU to the tagnut in the Audi behind me all the down the A1, who despite being stuck in EXACTLY the same traffic-jam as I was, spent most of the time bellowing at me in the mirror like he was trying to put out a fire with swearwords. Apologies that my DS3 doesn’t come with a fucking flight pack, you stupid sunset-coloured packet of shit. Oh and whaddya know, when he DID manage to get past, did he indicate? Did he buggery! Audi drivers: you DO have indicators in your car – there’s a big knob in the car to operate them.
At least when I managed to turn off and the traffic calmed down I was able to take in a bit of scenery and stop for one of those fantastically freeing extravagant pisses that only men can have by the side of a road or tucked down a layby. Admittedly my knowledge of foofs isn’t exactly shit-hot but it’s my understanding that it’s far more difficult for ladies to have a quick tinkle without having to take everything off or risking falling into a nettle patch with a froth of piss around your ankles. Here’s a fun fact for you though – it doesn’t matter how discreet a bloke is, no matter how carefully he parks his car and how far into a bush he goes to have a wee, the very second urine leaves his helmet a car will promptly appear full of children and nuns, leaving him with the unenviable choice of carrying on and causing offence or having to reverse the flow, which let me tell you now, BLOODY HURTS. It’s like trying to fit a washer to a gushing tap. I bet even Neil Armstrong up on the moon nipped behind the lander for a quick Jimmy Riddle only to be met with a rocket full of Russians gazing balefully at him the moment he ‘pulled the cord’. Anyway, it seems fair that men have the upper hand when it comes to weeing, given ladies can have so much fun with their bajingo. If I was a lady, anything I owned that was even slightly cylindrical would have a very glossy patina to it, let me tell you.
I had to go for an x-ray this morning on my shoulder. Nothing exciting I assure you – I’ve got a trapped nerve or something which is making my neck ache and my fingers tingle unnecessarily. Explain to me this – how comes I arrived at 9am for a 9.30am drop-in session only to be met with a veritable sea of lightly shaking old ladies all ahead of me. How? What time did they turn up for that to happen? I mean I appreciate getting an x-ray might be a day out but if they were anything like my nana, you could hold her up to a bright light and see Mint Imperials through her papery skin rattling around her body at the best of times. Ah nana. I tutted and moaned and then remembered they’d fought in the war for me. So I upped the volume of my tutting knowing the shellshocked amongst them wouldn’t be able to hear for their ringing ears.
Actually, it was a very pleasant experience – pulled into a room, told to remove my shirt, complimented on my beard and then blasted with radiation, which before I met Paul was pretty much my average night out. They did give me two heavy bags to hold to ‘pull my shoulder into the correct position’ which, judging by the fucking weight of the bags, was somewhere in Aberdeen. Of course because it was a big brute of a bloke talking to me, I didn’t want to lose face and drop the bags so I had to stand still, grimacing and squinching my eyes together in pain. I bet he told everyone when I left that I was absolutely dying for a shite. Can’t fault the NHS though – doctor told me I needed an x-ray yesterday and it was done by this morning. That’s almost as good as when I went for a private MRI a few years back, where I paid a billion pounds just to leaf through a copy of Home & Country in the waiting room and be called Sir by the receptionist. Actually, thinking about it, two MRIs and two x-rays in however many years…that surely means I’m overdue a superpower or something? I’d be a crap superhero. Captain Mince. The Anal Intruder. Barry Beige. All possible names.
I’ve got to be careful when I’m visiting the doctors or having anything done, because invariably my anxious mind tries to default to the worst case scenario. I was sitting cross-legged watching the TV before and when I got up to discover my left leg had gone to sleep, well, that was it, I’d diagnosed myself with motor neurone disease (and please, I know it’s an awful disease, that’s why I’m scared of it). I’ve already resigned myself to the fact I’ve probably got a spine like a packet of Ritz crackers that someone’s kicked up a flight of stairs, but really, realistically, I’ll have just pinched a nerve swimming and my body is acting accordingly. Oh it is awful being neurotic.
Anyway, only a little entry tonight because it’s time for The Apprentice. I know, I know. I don’t know why I watch it either. I don’t like Karen Brady, I don’t like Alan Sugar and Charles Littner may as well come out in a cape twiddling a moustache to complete the ‘villian’ role. At least Nick was gentle in his absolutely devastating, soul-destroying cutdowns. Charlie Brooker said it best when he described Alan Sugar as looking like a water-buffalo straining to shit in a lake. I still watch it though, so really, who’s the mug?
Tonight’s recipe is a nice simple idea for pizza without the syns. It’s also without the crust and using a giant mushroom – but at least you’re not having to let your trousers out after. We seem to have had quite the run of vegetarian recipes lately. That said, don’t forget our deal with Musclefood – you can buy 2.5kg of chicken for £9 (click here, you’ll need code SMALLCHICKEN) or 5kg for chicken for £19 (click here, you’ll need code BIGCHICKEN). Then there’s also our giant box of meat for only £40 which is enough for so many meals I could weep. You’ll find details of that right here and I very much encourage you to give a go!
to make a syn-free pizza, you’ll need:
- four BIG portobello mushrooms – the bigger the better
- some tomato based sauce that you’ve made – I just sweat (NOT swear) down tomatoes, onion and a bit of garlic and blitz
- whatever cheese you want
- whatever veg you want
- whatever toppings you want
- whatever you want
- whatever you like
- whatever you say you take your money you make your choice
Remember to weigh your cheese etc for HEA and if you’re adding things like chorizo or olives, syn them!
and to make your syn-free pizza, you should:
- take the stalks out of the mushrooms and scrape out the gills (the little tiny labia like bits around the outside)
- put in the oven for 5 minutes on 190 degrees to dry out a bit
- get rid of any excess moisture
- top however you want
- bake for twenty five minutes or until it’s golden brown, texture like summer
Of course, if you fancy more pizza, we’ve done a couple:
- goats cheese, spinach and mushroom pizza
- bacon cheeseburger pizza
- pulled pork, sauteed leeks and mature cheddar pizza (oh GOD YES)
If you don’t like mushrooms, you could make it with a base of Smash, but for goodness sake don’t let the tweak police know, they’ll pap themselves.
PS: I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but if you’re a fan of the recipe or the post, there are share buttons below – just hit them to share the recipe with your friends and fellow fatties.
It was good stress relief to swear at my tomatoes in a pan????
Haha, good spot! To be fair mind I am normally swearing when I cook…
So funny tonight! Fantastic!!! I want more more more…..
There’s 250 more blog posts filled with my inane witterings! Careful what you wish for 😀
Cheers me dear!
I don’t even do slimming world anymore but I can’t leave you now. You have a way with words that makes me laugh out loud. Only Billy Connolly and Jack Dee can do that usually. Make of it what you will 🙂
Hi James. I have said this before. I don’t know what your job is but I suggest you give it up and do stand up comedy. You are so funny. I’ve bitten my lip trying not to lol on the bus. You should be on that comedy show with Michael McEntire. If you can make a 66yrs old granny laugh your a hit in my book. P’S. Love your recipes.
Ah Sue, that’s such a lovely thing to say! Thank you 🙂 do you know, we’d write regardless of whether anyone read it but the fact that people enjoy our writing and we make people laugh is like a cherry on the syn-free cake – thank you! Also, definitely no chance of laughter in my current job…!
You’re clearly a lady of remarkable taste – plus, I’ve got hair/beard like Connolly and Paul has a face like Jack Dee so that works! 😀
Ive only just come across this site and it’s brilliant – it makes my day – I love reading the journal makes me crack up and I love the inspiration for the recipes! Just rejoined sw and tbh it bores me – you’ve just lightened up my whole new sw day! Thanks ????
Thank you Lin! The secret with SW is not to take it too seriously, which is what we live by – so good luck and welcome and thanks again!
Once again you have made me laugh your stories are great and then the menus what can I say top notch thank you Sandra ????xx
We do try! 😀
Absolutely love your humour, but would just like to point out that us ladies can have fun with a she-wee! For the uninitiated https://www.shewee.com/
Blimey that looks like something I’d measure my overnight oats with! Looks like it would hurt too, you don’t want chapped lips! 😀
Tried this last night. Once I’d finished laughing my ass off. Delicious. Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed 😀
Jesus Christ I just let out the loudest bark of a laugh in work when I read through the you’ll need section. You caught me off guard there and now I can’t stop laughing, even while my manager gives me daggers. You fiend!
I come to bed on a night time , and switch my tablet on so I can read your blogs , and have a laugh. I think your sense of humour is so funny, and I also like the recipes. Keep up the good work x