Turned up for the sweet potato and turkey layered casserole, that’s syn-free and awash with taste? Well, don’t hasten along just yet. A word please, but for once, I’ll make it a quick one.

How do people keep falling for Facebook scams? It’s beyond me. I get it, people are keen for a bargain and would snatch the skin off your face if it meant getting 25% discount at Aldi, but please, exercise just a modicum of common sense. Tesco aren’t giving away 500 gift-cards with £500 quid on them because they’ve turned 50. You can tell that because a) Tesco wouldn’t give away a quarter of a million quid via stay-at-home-mums on facebook ‘buy ‘n’ sell’ pages (the ‘n’ stands for not having THAT in my house because it’s fucking gopping) and b) Tesco wouldn’t give you the steam off its piss.

I only mention it because Alton Towers have had to issue a statement explicitly stating that they’re not running a promotion for five free tickets for each person who shares some crappy low-res and clearly photoshopped picture of a ticket. I just find it perplexing that people get suckered in by crap like that. Surely at some point during the ‘complete X surveys’ and ‘submit your Paypal account details here’ an alarm bell must ring, and presumably that bell is going to be bloody loud because it’s got no brain to muffle the sound? Pfft. If I was in charge of Alton Towers, I’d honour the crummy tickets and put all the people most vocal about it straight on The Smiler – and I’d put the work experience kid in front of the controls. I mean HONESTLY.

This wouldn’t have caused me so much ire if Alton Tower’s official status on Facebook wasn’t awash with people who immediately started twisting their gobs about how Alton Towers had a duty to provide free tickets as compensation. Com-pen-bloody-sation! Listen, you should get compensation if you have your legs blown off by faulty wiring or your eyes smacked from your skull from a falling crane, you don’t deserve compensation just because you got your juicebox in a froth thinking you’d get a free ticket because of some barely literate sharing on Facebook.

Anyway, the last time I went to Alton Towers I had a very reasonable time. Make of that what you will. I enjoyed waiting in the queues for a one minute ride, I loved looking at the delicate displays of litter and wasps and found the experience of applying for a loan just to buy a small fries and hotdog to be remarkably thrilling. I love theme parks but I’ve been utterly spoiled by spending a month in Florida, with the added bonus of not being the fattest person in the park.

My mind boggles.

Speaking of mind boggling, you need to give Stranger Things a go. It was recommended by a friend, who, to her credit, is normally fairly spot-on with her recommendations and tea-making. It’s sublime. Wonderfully shot, gorgeously scored, tightly plotted and just something so unusual on TV these days – a real rare treat. It’s on Netflix and I can’t, in turn, recommend it highly enough. Who knew Winona Ryder (Ryder? I barely knew her!) could act? She’s a revelation. Even the kids can act! How comes whenever we see children on UK television they’re always that unique breed of smug, breathy annoyances with a know-it-all attitude and a name like an old Victoria affliction. OH LITTLE DROPSY, DO COME ALONG, YOU’LL BE LATE FOR YOUR MANDARIN CLASS. That kind of shite.

If it helps sweeten the deal, there’s a policeman in there with a strong jaw and a mean attitude, so at least you’re guaranteed a bit of rain at Fort Bushy.

Eh?

Let’s get to the bloody casserole, eh, before I give you a nosebleed.

Look, it doesn’t look great, but it’s a good way of getting some speed veg in, it freezes well and you know, you could do worse!

to make sweet potato and turkey layered casserole, you’ll need:

• 2 large sweet potatoes
• 500g turkey mince (or use beef mince, and yeah, you’ll get plenty in our box below)
• 250g bacon medallions (you’ll get some in any of our musclefood deals!)
• 1 cauliflower, cut into florets
• 50ml almond milk (this works out at less than 1/3rd of a syn – I didn’t count it but you can if you like)
• 4 tbsp quark
• 1 onion, finely diced
• 150g mushrooms, chopped
• salt
• pepper

to make sweet potato and turkey layered casserole, you should:

• begin by peeling the sweet potatoes and cut into chunks, and add to a pan of boiling water, cook until tender and drain
• in another pan meanwhile, cook the bacon under a hot grill until crispy – when done, remove from the under the grill and set aside
• great – now preheat the oven to 180 degrees
• cook the cauliflower florets in a pan of boiling water, for about 7 minutes (or until tender)
• over a sink, drain the cauliflower and put into a food processor (or blender)
• completely blend with half of the almond milk, a load of black pepper and half of the quark – blend until smooth and set aside
• kindly do exactly the same with the sweet potato, but add parmesan if you want rather than peppers
• in a large frying pan, add a little oil and cook the turkey mince
• now, once the mince starts to brown, add the onions and mushrooms to the pan and keep stirring every now and again
• mainly a job of layering now – in a large ovenproof dish (pyrex is best!) spoon half of the mince mixture and spread out to a thin layer
• yes, add all of the cauliflower mix and spread out, then add the remaining meat mixture followed by the sweet potato
• bake in the oven for 30 minutes
• usually, we chop or crumble the bacon into little pieces and spread over the dish when cooked
• masses of casserole for everyone – serve!

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Hope that left you satisfied and smiling.

J