Yes! Pork, bacon, ale and apple pie, I kid you not. You’d expect the mere mention of pies would have Mags’ Trex covered Bakelite phone ringing off its hooks but no – here at twochubbcubs, you CAN eat all the pies.

No post tonight though – it’s been a very long day, livened up by a bit of life-saving. Not sure if that’s over-egging the pudding (HOW MANI SYNS HUN) or not but for the first time in four years I got to use my first aid training for something other than a high-heel blister or a stapled finger. If you’re looking for a fun read, have a look at my recount of my day at St John’s Ambulance learning first aid by clicking here – though the box of faces will haunt you forever more. No, I had to step in to stop a colleague choking on her crisps. It was all very fortutious because I just happened to be downstairs filling up my bottle with sparkling water (gotta add sparkle somehow, eh) when I saw a pizza being hurled across a table and a colleague looking wide-eyed and fearful. I almost shit myself. It’s one thing sitting in a room full of factory workers being told what to do if someone pours industrial bleach up their nostril or sets their arse on fire, it’s another thing knowing you have to step in and do something. I remembered you’re supposed to do five sharp blows between their shoulderblades and so, with a hearty ‘THIS IS GOING TO HURT’ I went into action and thankfully, on the five blow, out popped the crisp. I’m not going to fib: I think I was more relieved that I didn’t have to do the Heimlich – I’d be the only person who’d need to stop after two er…thrusts (good god there’s no other way of saying it) for a sit down and a puff on an oxygen tank. My colleague is fine – I apologised profusely for the fact she’s probably got a huge hand mark on her back now but all was well. I went upstairs shaking like a shitting dog and I can assure you right now my catastrophic thinking went into overdrive: what if it hadn’t worked? What if my first aid skills were no match for a shrapnel of smoky bacon crisp? It was all I could do to have a giant cookie and a cup of tea and then back to drafting documents.

It made me think though: if you don’t know any first-aid, learn some. Seriously. St John’s Ambulance provide training online and there’s all manner of free videos on Youtube. Whilst I doubt what I’ve done could be classed as saving a life, you never know when you might need it. Here’s some resources:

• NHS’s basic guide to first aid
• get yourself or your work colleagues onto St John’s amazing courses
• some free Youtube videos showing the basics

If you need a handy guide to resuscitation, er, don’t use this one (but it made me laugh):

Mahaha. Let’s get to the pork, bacon, ale and apple pie – this dish serves four when served with sides and has 20 syns, so I’m going to say 5 syns a portion and be done with it. If anyone has a problem with that, I invite you to kiss my teeth. It’s worth spending syns on something delicious and this was fantastic!

to make pork, bacon, ale and apple pie, you’ll need:

• 100g of Jus-Rol light puff pastry to cover a decent size pastry dish – this is 16 syns so 4 syns per serving
• one bottle of pale ale – we used Brewdog’s Dead Pony Club (330ml) which by my reckoning is about 3 syns
• 1 level tablespoon of cornflour (1 syn)
• 1 pack of bacon medallions (we used the fantastic bacon from any of our meat deals, but in particular the freezer filler – perfect if you want a job-lot of chicken, mince, beef chunks and bacon – click here for a look – it’ll open in a new window)
• two large leeks
• 500g of lean pork mince
• two granny smith apples
• 375g of chicken stock
• a pinch of (preferably fresh) sage and thyme
• three large garlic cloves
• salt and pepper

to make pork, bacon, ale and apple pie, you should:

• pick out a suitable dish for your pie
• chop your bacon up into small pieces and cook in a decent non-stick pan for a few minutes until cooked but not crispy
• add in the leeks – slice these super-fine using a knife or even better, one of these bad-boys (currently reduced in price and by god it’ll save you some work)
• once the leeks have softened, add the pork mince and cook until all the pink has gone
• if it is sticking, don’t worry, just add a drop or two of water
• mince the garlic using your trusty microplane grater or whatever and add
• chop up the thyme and sage and add this too
• once everything has simmered nicely, add a tablespoon of cornflour – gently – and stir, to thicken it up
• now add your pale ale, chicken stock, pinch of salt and pepper and your apples, which you will have peeled and cut into cubes
• allow to gently simmer for a good half hour until it’s thickened down and lovely
• preheat the oven to about 200 degrees or so
• get your pastry and check that 100g will be enough to cover your pyrex dish – if not, roll it out a bit thinner
• slop all your pie filling into the dish, top with the pastry, brush the top with a bit of beaten egg and salt and pepper, hoy in the oven until the top is lovely and brown
• serve!

Easy! If you need any more ideas, click the buttons below, and remember to use those share buttons to give your friends the recipe!

Cheers all the best.

J