The melon basket has arrived!
You know what it’s like, taster night rolls around and you get the usual eighty seven texts gently reminding you to bring something along. The dilemma is clear: do you nip over to the Co-op and get a bunch of grapes, do you make something super fancy knowing it’ll be ignored whilst everyone paws over the Weetabix and cat-litter cakes, or do you do as we always do and pretend you’re working / on holiday / on the game / in hospital getting your worn-out knees replaced? I know, but I can’t stand watching other people eat or other people judging me on my choices.
I’ve touched upon the fact I hate witnessing buffets at the best of times, but it reminded me of one sight I saw in Disney a few years ago. I say Disney, we were actually in a Sizzlers at the time, which for those not familiar with Sizzlers simply imagine a Little Chef stocked entirely with what they found behind the bins at Lidl. I’ve never known shigella (hi Paul!) be given as a topping choice on a salad before. Anyway, we were sat visibly blanching at the amount of flies on our breakfast when this absolute unit of a bloke stood up / was helped up. He rolled towards the buffet, loaded his plate to the point where he’d have struggled to get a sprig of cress on top, and then made to slow-shuffle back to his station. We were transfixed – by this time in our honeymoon we had exhausted all conversations and the realisation of spending eternity together was lying heavy in our thoughts so a distraction was welcome – and we watched as he conveyed his food pile back as though it was a newborn baby.
Then: a loud crack, a rumbling noise, a plaintive cry and the splatter of food hitting the deck. He’d loaded his plate so full and so high that it had snapped like the strut of an Italian motorway bridge. I’m sure it was months of sub-standard dishwashing that weakened the plate but the poor bastard looked utterly bereft, with a whole restuarant of folks immediately judging him. Which was rich, given they had one collective set of teeth between them, but nevertheless. I always remember his wee crumpled face – he looked like Dr Robotnik when you defeat him at the end of Sonic 2.
Oh and it’s Robotnik, not Eggman, you can fuck off with that nonsense.
I believe he was given a voucher for a free meal, and he won my respect for not picking the best of the dropped meal off the floor and eating it, which is what I would have done in our house. The three-second rule has been extended to three days here: I ate a wine gum the other day that I’m not entirely sure the cat didn’t bring in from outside on the back of her tail. Ah well.
Want more American nonsense? We put all of our honeymoon stories in a book, you know, and it’s as cheap as I am in my Primark knickers. You can download it here!
Anyway, that was a sidetrack and a half, wasn’t it? But that’s our blog all over – side-tracks and cheap ugly shoes. Let’s do the melon basket.
taster night idea: the melon basket
Yield 1 basket
I've got a bloody nerve calling this a recipe, haven't I? But listen, we're all about taking things easy here at Chubby Towers, and this is ridiculously easy to make but it looks damn good! Plus all the extra fruit can be turned into smoothies which of course you'll syn, rather than enjoying like a normal person. Right? Hello?
- one large watermelon
- one big pack of raspberries
- one big pack of strawberries
- one big big girl in a big big world (it's not a big big thing if you leave me)
- one pack of pomegranate seeds
- one lemon
- chopped mint
Of course, you can use any fruit you like in here. Soft, hard, Barrymore.
- the trickiest bit is cutting the watermelon - cut a small disc off the bottom so it lies flat
- then cut two 'almost' quarters from the top, leaving a strip down the middle - then cut through that so you make a handle
- it's hard to explain but come on, look at the pictures and work it out - this isn't The Crystal Maze love, you have all the time in the world to figure it out - but you want to make sure you leave a thick enough handle to support the weight of the fruit
- use a melon baller to scoop some melon balls out of the flesh you've cut away
- scrape out the melon so you have a pleasing bowl
- slice up the rest of the fruit into a bowl, add the melon balls, chopped mint and the juice of a lemon
- tumble it gently to mix it up, then tip it into your basket and serve
- although this looks like something Paul had to use when he was severely constipated, this melon baller is just the ticket for tidy balls - only a couple of quid too
Cuisine taster night
Easy as all outdoors. Want some more taster night ideas? Fine! Here you go!
- tasty five spice chicken skewers (syn free)
- pastrami salad wrap (syn free)
- sweet potato houmous (syn free)
- asparagus, goat cheese and bacon frittata (syn free)
- chicken saltimbocca skewers (syn free)
- pitta chips (syn free)
- a perfect boiled egg (syn free)
- stuffed omelette – so tasty (syn free)
- meatloaf cupcakes (syn free)
- slimming world pork pie (syn free)
- cheesy sausage and egg hash browns (syn free)
Get them down you!