Nacho chicken wraps will follow, but first an apology….ah balls to it, listen, we’re not going to apologise for not posting too often, because we always do it and then have to go away somewhere or get caught up in doing stuff and then we forget! But if Jurassic Park has taught us anything, it’s that Life Finds A Way and Bryce Dallas Howard might have a silly name, but she’s terrifically pretty.
Speaking of pretty, can I introduce you to my favourite ever photo of me?
I have the air of a seventies DJ that permanently has their hard-drive in the microwave ready to go at a moment’s notice.
I wish I could tell you that our nights have been so full of debauchery and sin that we haven’t had time for the blog, and whilst that’s partly true, the actual reason is so much more boring. We’ve been stuffing envelopes. Lots and lots and lots of envelopes. See after the success of the badges and our impending holiday which we really ought to pay for, we decided to branch out into fridge magnets – because what would put you off eating more than our faces floating into your vision whenever you fancied a Muller-Shite? So I set about designing some tasteful numbers…
We thought we’d maybe sell 50 or so. We sold over 750. Which is fine, until you realise that you now need to package up 750 magnets, write out the envelopes and get them in the post. That took time, but naturally we decided to make it harder for ourselves by writing sauce on the envelopes. When the first lot landed with our lovely customers, everyone else wanted rudeness and filth on their flaps, and so…it snowballed. You’ve never lived until you’ve sat at 2am trying to think of a joke about a name like Mildred or drawing the eight-hundredth cock and balls of the day. One morning Paul found me face-down on a bed of padded envelopes with a roll of stamps pressed against my face. I still see Elizabeth’s rack when I shut my eyes.
Of course, with us at the wheel, this road-trip through Royal Mail based sauciness was always going to end in disaster. For one, we’ve had a couple of instances where the postman has scribbled out the ‘rude’ bits or put a big stamp over the cock and balls we’ve delicately drawn on the back. That’s fair enough, I suppose, though I imagine you’d need to be fairly joyless to take offence at ‘peel the flaps apart for instant pleasure‘ scrawled on the seal of the envelope. One such censorship annoyed me so much that we dispatched a second envelope to the customer with a giant, detailed knob drawn on the back – but I stuck cat ears on the top. Didn’t get through untampered with. Ho-hum.
But no, that’s not the worst that’s happened. We’ve been affixing random titles and names to people’s names – Right Dishonourable Jane Doe, Marge “Gammon Flaps” Simpson, Sarah “Unprotected Anal, Finish on the Tits” Jones, that sort of thing. Good clean fun. Anyway, things came to a head when we received a message from someone we had posted a badge to a lovely lady who we designated, entirely randomly I hasten to add, as Number One Arm-Wrestler.
Naturally, she only has one bloody arm. We didn’t know, and thank Christ she’s absolutely fine about it and a good sport and found it hilarious, but I can’t help but feel aghast by how badly it could have ended. Plastered all over the Sun, ‘CRUEL AND CALLOUS CUBS LEFT ME STUMPED’, for example. Thankfully, she knew our joke was ‘armless. Rinse and repeat. We’ve had to add an opt-out if you want a clean envelope button onto the page, though. Phew. Anyway, if you want a magnet, we’ve only got a few left! Make sure you mark the order if you don’t want filth. Otherwise it’ll come addressed to you with knobs drawn all over them, or, if you’re male, references to the size of your genitals with some soft focus shots of us inside. If that doesn’t tempt you, what could?
Now don’t worry, I’m not going to endlessly promote our magnets on here. That’ll be it until we need to pay for a new sling or something. It does give me a giddy thrill to imagine a magnet being slipped into a Slimmer of the Week basket and poor Sandra choking on her cat hair quiche, mind. Shall we do the crunchy nacho chicken wraps? Well why not. Buckle up, Buckaroo, because I’m going in dry.
crunchy nacho chicken wraps
Yield 8 wraps
The beauty with this recipe is that it's what we're affectionally calling a dump bag - you throw the raw ingredients into a freezer bag, pop it in the freezer and then, whenever you can't be arsed to cook, take it out and throw it in the slow cooker. It'll cook nicely through the day and be ready when you come back - and so easy to make! Then just stick it in a wrap with a few extra bits and you're done. The chicken also works well with rice!
This makes enough for eight wraps very easily indeed.
- four chicken breasts
- 1 small tin of sweetcorn
- 1 small tin of black beans
- the juice of two limes
- one large red onion chopped
- pinch of salt and pepper
- two minced garlic cloves
- 200ml of chicken stock
To make the wraps:
- chopped lettuce
- a pack of white Weight Watchers wraps, which are a HEB each - or you know, find some joy in your life and have a good wholemeal wrap like us instead, and don't syn it because haway
- 25g of Doritos, crushed up into little wee chips (7.5 syns) (split between eight, just under a syn)
- why not use your HEA on cheese? 30g of cheddar grated is your HEA, add that for extra cheesy sexiness
- pop everything for the chicken filling in a bag and freeze it until the night before you're ready to cook
- throw it in a slow cooker for a few hours
- give everything a right good mix and use two forks to pull the chicken apart - it'll just fall to bits, it's great
- to make the wrap, throw some chopped lettuce into a wrap, top with chicken, Doritos and cheese, wrap it up and away you go, get it in you OR, if you're sassy, grill the wraps so everything melts together inside - oh my yes
A few pointers:
- don't spend a load of money on a fancy slow cooker - there's no need - Amazon have a cheap model which does the job just fine
- we use decent freezer bags though, you don't want a leaky seal at your age
- we use our Optigrill to toast our wraps off but you can do it in a simple frying pan or under the grill
- you get an absolute tonne of chicken in our package deals with Musclefood and it doesn't waste away to nothing like the scrotum chicken you get from the supermarket
Courses slow cooker
There you go – shove that in yer mush! Want more wrap ideas? Here you go:
- bbq chicken wraps (syn free)
- chicken doner kebab wraps (syn free)
- chicken and gherkin wrap (syn free)
- grilled chicken tikka wraps (1 syn)
- mcdonald’s style crispy chicken wraps (1.5 syns)
- chicken caesar wraps (3 syns)
- twochubbycubs’ christmas wrap (3.5 syns)
And look at that: not a single ‘make a cake with a wrap’ load of bum!