parmesan pork chops, garlic broccoli and smashed potatoes

Right, so here we are, back again to slide into your mailbox with all the subtlety of a kick from a horse. You may have missed our delicious recipes, you may have longed to hear our caustic wit, or you may have struggled without at least eighteen euphemisms for a penis (though here’s two right off the bat you can use freely, though perhaps don’t cry them out at point of climax: “Spurt Reynolds” and, if he’s particularly hung, go for “spam bannister”). Who knows!

We had to take some time off to move the website over from its previous home, tethered to a blog-hosting site like a bag full of dog-muck hanging off a gate, to a fancy new host elsewhere on the Internet that will allow us to customise the blog and make it easier for you, the rabble that read it. How? Let me count the ways…

  1. you can now comment using Facebook – a small change but significant, as if you want to share a recipe, just tag someone in there – plus you don’t need to wait for me to remember to check the spam filter and approve your comments. Not going to lie, I’m terrible at stuff like that. You wouldn’t think I was a super-organised secretary dealing with the cut and thrust of the legal world in real life, would you? Probably for the best, saying as I’m not…
  2. once I’ve figured out how, you’ll be able to search for recipes – that’ll make things a lot easier when you’re trying to tell people about the time I got caught blasting a tune on Paul’s pork trumpet by a wily Irish farmer – just type in ‘mortifying embarrassment’ and you’ll be taken right there;
  3. also coming are more ‘readable’ recipes that you’ll be able to print in a nice neat order. It won’t take all my angry protestations about Frylight and overuse of the words ‘dash’, ‘pinch’ and ‘fuckery’, though, so sensitive eyes should stay away; and
  4. easier to read text – the last blog would scroll awkwardly on mobiles and as the stats say most of you are coming here inbetween playing online bingo and buttering your muffin over internet pornography, I thought I’d help.

There’s also all sorts of tedious behind the scenes gubbins happening and you’ll probably notice the site changing its look as we go on. I’m learning here – I’m not a website designer, I’ve actually had sex before.

How are we? We’re good!

Work continues for the both of us, ever onwards.

Cats are fine, although the white cat keeps coming home with a black face where he’s been rubbing against something sooty. Maybe that’s why some of our neighbours seem to dislike us – they think we’ve got a minstrel routine in the garden.

The only thing to note is the diet – I’ve just been completely off it the last couple of weeks. You may remember I posted about losing my mojo a little, well, it continued. I did try to get back on the horse, but damn it if it didn’t taste so delicious. Two weeks of pizza, McFlurrys, jellybeans and chocolate and I’ve only put on 4lb, and I’ve finally got it ‘out of my system’. I’m ready to diet again! Paul’s been the same but not quite so severe, and has actually lost 2lb. The jammy fucker! Again, I’m going to write a post about all this fairly soon.

Finally, with regards to the blog, you’ll be glad to know one thing – we’re going to aim for more recipes on here. I know a lot of people like my writing and don’t worry, you know me well enough to know I’m not one to keep quiet, but it can be a bit of a chore making a new recipe and also writing a mini-essay of an evening. So the focus is going to be on continuing the delicious food, writing the recipes in our usual sassy style, and writing longer pieces when I get the time to sit and do it properly. I’m also writing a book alongside this so I don’t want to stretch too thin! Our 7777 week was a great success when we looked at page views, so we’ve got several theme weeks pencilled in:

  • America week – expect junk food but SW style;
  • budget week – aiming for seven meals that serve four on a very tight budget;
  • slow cooker week – if only so we can hear hundreds of people simultaneously going OOOH IT JUST FALLS OFF THE BONE;
  • vegetarian week – our lot of our recipes are meat-focused, but then, so is my lifestyle choice, so let’s mix it up a bit;
  • desserts week – there’s a recipe of disaster when it comes to the scales; and
  • breakfasts week – because if I have to eat another fucking bowl of fromage fucking frais with frozen fucking berries, I’ll die.

If you can think of anything you want us to cover, then contact us via the comments, or on our facebook page found here.

I’m going to make a final plea before you get today’s recipe: please, please, please share us. Share the blog by posting in whatever group, facebook page or discussion forums you use. Follow us on Twitter and retweet us far and wide. Join our facebook page by clicking here and then share the hell out of it. We do it all for you, of course, but the more people reading the better! We’re like the clap – we want to spread as far as possible.

Right, enough guff – the recipe tonight is for pork chops breaded in parmesan and breadcrumbs. I’m not normally a fan of strong-smelling cheese on my pork but these worked ever so well…

rosemary pork chops

you’ll be needing these:

  • 2 pork chops (fat removed, and thrown away, no sucking on it)
  • 1 wholemeal roll (made into breadcrumbs) (*HEB*)
  • one egg
  • 4 tbsp grated parmesan (30g being a HEA)
  • salt and pepper
  • Frylight if you must, but a couple of drops of olive oil is better
Garlic broccoli
  • two garlic cloves
  • tenderstem broccoli
Smashed potatoes
  • rosemary
  • thyme
  • as many small potatoes as your big old belly can handle

and you’ll need to do this:

  • remove all visible fat from the pork chops
  • whisk an egg into a small bowl and set aside
  • in another bowl, mix together the salt, pepper, breadcrumbs and parmesan
  • dip the pork chops into the egg mixture and coat well with the breadcrumbs
  • spray some Frylight into a hot pan and cook for about 6 minutes on each side
  • boil the potatoes until just tender, and drain
  • spray a baking sheet with Frylight and place the potatoes even spaced onto the sheet
  • using a potato masher or a fork push down onto each potato so it spreads out a little
  • spray with Frylight and sprinkle with the herbs and salt and pepper
  • bake for about 20 minutes at 230 degrees until crisp and crunchy
  • trim the bottom of the broccoli stalks
  • spray a frying pan with Frylight and cook the broccoli over a high heat for about five minutes
  • add the garlic, salt and pepper to the pan and mix well
  • turn off the heat and add 60ml of water to the pan, cover with the lid
  • cook for about 3 minutes until tender

Tasty right?