Marinated duck salad, if you don’t mind! I know, in these times of tight purse-strings and even tighter gusset-elastic, duck may seem like an extravagant choice. And it is. If you want to swap it out for chicken, I’ll never tell. If you want to swap it out for that chicken they sell in Iceland that looks like those polystyrene packing noodles that your parcels from Amazon get shipped in, you go right ahead. What price dignity? Anyway, we’re only having duck because our friend thoughtfully gave us a load of freshly killed meat from when he’s been out hunting. Listen, I’m not a hunter myself, but I don’t want to upset anyone who turns up on my doorstep covered in blood shouting about THE BOOORDS. He asked if I liked duck – I replied that actually, I prefer a cockatoo – and I bet he’s still chuckling now at my lightning wit and horrendously dated jokes. Either that or he’s shot himself in the face.
Now I touched yesterday on New Year’s Resolutions, didn’t I? Here’s an odd thing – I could have sworn I typed up our resolutions last year and I was going to update you on how they went, but look, if it is easier, I’ll just print out our Jacamo order history – another X has managed to sneak onto our clothes labels. Our order forms look like a Spot the Ball competition in a busy bookies. Pretty soon we’ll need to buy two 2XL shirts and just stitch them together round the back. Still, we haven’t taken up smoking or hard drugs, so at least we’ve got that going for us, eh? Without a moment more of hesitation, here’s my resolutions:
To be more sociable
This is such a hard one for me. I’m not agorophobic or enochlophobic (I’m trypophobic and hydrostructuraphobic at best) but see I just hate everyone. Perhaps that’s a smidge too far. Hate is a strong word. Dislike, maybe. Yes, everyone starts out being disliked by me but once they reveal themselves as warm, lovely humans, I’m alright with them. As a result, I struggle with being social. I like staying at home with Paul, sitting in my comfiest underwear, cock and balls sticking to the leather on the settee, eating crisps and watching TV. I’m happy in my own company. Whenever I do force myself out I always have a great time but it’s just getting there. My saying no is as much of a reflex action as my knee kicking out when tapped with a hammer or me ignoring the pains in my left arm as I shovel more food into my gob. But yes: will try harder.
Who knows? Maybe a twochubbycubs meet-up could be on the cards?!
It isn’t, by the way. You’d all be so disappointed. You’d spend all night wondering who had let two cows into the pub only to realise it was us, waspishly drinking our ale and looking furious. We were once stopped in ASDA (the glamour!) by someone asking if we were the chubby cubs (probably assumed we were by the giant marrow and bottle of Astroglide in our shopping basket) to which we stuttered, went red and just said ‘yes but we’re just here for some hummus’ – eee, they’ll be talking about that for years to come I’m sure.
To be less fat
Goes without saying, doesn’t it? I’m tired of all my clothes only-just fitting. I’m tired of the cats looking at me with ‘don’t you think you’ve had enough’ eyes every time we crack open a new tub of Ben and Jerry’s. They’re a fine pair to judge my eating habits, given they both spend a good half-hour licking away at their bumholes of a morning. I don’t know what’s in Whiskas Bite and Chew but they should make a bloody lip-gloss out of it. I know we’ve said so many times before that we need to lose weight but hell, we both feel so old and immobile – and we’re only in our early thirties for goodness sake. I’m not kidding when I say Paul has taken to having a nap before he goes to bed.
How to do it? I do think if we stuck at Slimming World 100% we’d get there, because the diet works. But see, I have strong reservations (which I’ve often voiced) about stuff like avocados being synned, and as a result, I’m going to have to tweak my own take on the diet to get by. Don’t worry though: our recipes will still be 100% Slimming World friendly, nothing is changing on that side. The main thing for us is to get moving: there are days when I get up, drive to work, sit at my desk, drive home and sit on the settee and don’t move a bloody muscle. That’s not good! I can’t pretend we’re going to end up at the gym every night or lifting weights (unless 1kg of chocolate counts) but I’m at least going to try and get my step count into four-figures.
To take up a bad habit
You know that bit in Grease when Rizzo does that impression of Sandy, saying how she doesn’t drink, or swear, or rat her hair, and that she gets ill from one cigarette (cough cough cough)? God, that’s me at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to undergo a transformation like Sandy does at the end – not least because if I clad my body in skin-tight leather I’d look like part of the DFS sale – but I need a bad habit. I don’t class drinking as a bad habit, more a necessary evil. Drugs fuck with my dicky-ticker and I gave up smoking (for the most part) many years ago thanks to Allen Carr and the shocking site of a year’s worth of cigarette ends billowing up from the drains outside. Oops. Paul bought me membership to a cigar lounge in Newcastle so perhaps that can be it – I think I’ve tipped into the age-appropriate level to carry off the look.
Now, in the interests of keeping the blog entries slightly more manageable and a bit shorter for folks, we’ll cut it there – we can talk about Paul’s resolutions tomorrow, once he has had them cleared and approved by me. HA. Let’s get to the marinated duck salad!
Final thought: don’t forget we have a new book out. It’s huge, it’s meaty, and it’ll leave you satisfied and smiling. There’s quite a bit of unblogged writing in there too – full travel tales for New York and Cornwall, a white wedding (including a mixture of Eurovision and sex) and a whole chapter about my penis. I mean, come on. If that doesn’t lure you in, perhaps the fact that it’s only £4.99 for over 110,000 nicely-chaptered words might tempt you. £4.99! JK Rowling must be shitting the bed with fear. Anyway, if you want a piece of us in your bed at night, click here and fall in love all over again!
to make marinated duck salad you will need:
- 1 tsp cider vinegar
- 1 tsp honey (1 syn)
- 1 tsp soy sauce
- 2 duck breasts (skin removed)
- 400g noodles (we used somen but any will do)
- 5 spring onions, sliced lengthways
- 1 cucumber, deseeded and julienned
- 2 carrots, peeled julienned
- 3 tbsp hoisin sauce (3 syns)
- pinch of sesame seeds (optional – 25g is 8 syns, but we used such a tiny amount we counted it as only 1 syn) (what are we like?)
Can’t be arsed clitting about julienning the carrots and cucumber? Do you think life is too short to be standing over a carrot making it into tiny matchsticks with a knife? With YOUR reputation? Please. Get yourself a £5 julienne peeler and be done with it. It makes your food look pretty!
to make marinated duck salad you should:
- in a small saucepan, mix together the cider vinegar, honey and soy sauce and add 100ml of cold water
- bring to the boil, stirring continuously, and then remove from the heat
- allow the marinade to cool
- meanwhile, slice the duck breasts diagonally and pour over the marinade, and leave for at least an hour (but overnight is best)
- prepare the cucumber, carrots and spring onions and set aside in a large bowl
- cook the noodles according to the instructions, refresh under cold water and set aside
- heat a little oil over a high heat in a large frying pan, take the duck out of marinade (use a slotted spoon) and pour away the marinade that’s left over
- cook the duck for about five minutes in the pan, stirring frequently
- mix together the noodles and vegetables along with the hoisin sauce and serve, topping with the duck slices
- sprinkle over a few sesame seeds (if using them) and enjoy!
If you love anything stir-fry, give some of these a go!
- beef in a black bean sauce
- date-wrecking asian garlic beef
- quick sticky beef with kale
- spicy orange chicken
- sticky chinese chicken
- beef in a honey and black pepper sauce
and don’t forget, there’s over 400 recipes on here for you to choose from! Click one of the buttons below to find another! Remember, if life gives you duck, make a marinated duck salad!
Cheers thanks babe. Eee, hopefully this will silence our one critic who scolded us yesterday for having the cheek and temerity to post a burger on New Year’s Day because ‘people are struggling’. Pfft. Struggling not to put the whole thing in their gob at once. If anyone else would like to provide feedback, my arse is just waiting to be kissed. Mwah!
Just love you!!
Dreading work tomorrow as sure uniform is going to make me look like a badly stuffed sausage as have done nothing but eat for a week……..but am I inspired by your wit and personality and all the effort you go to to put all this together that I will get back on the slimming world regime!!!!
Eeeee you do make me smile. Just found you 2 so I watch and wait to see what the next instalment is, thank you for the giggle, yours faithfully Cushie Butterfield
Cushie Butterfield! I haven’t heard that for bloody years! Brilliant reference and good look on the diet! 😀
Ahh I loved the look of the giant burger!!
Well done you chubby pair … you make me laugh too. Some of the SW bloggers good frankly look sick !! Yours looks delish.
Keep it up!! and keep the recipies coming too.
Cheers! That’s why we started the blog, we started dry-heaving at the amount of emoji’s and hearts and piccollages out there… glad you like it, and thanks for reading! x
Just got your book, really enjoyed the last one so looking forward to this one, maybe it will keep me out of the biscuits at night!
Combine book and biscuits for the perfect night in!
Hello, I think I did something wrong when making this recipe tonight – can you demystify me? I used beef instead of duck, but made the marinade as directed and let it sit for an hour (as that’s all the time I had).
When I added the beef to the pan, I added the marinade as well, but as the marinade was still predominantly water, it sort of boiled the beef in the pan rather than fried it. Was I supposed to drain the marinade off before adding the beef to the pan? Or should I have reduced the marinade when I boiled it to reduce the volume down a bit?
Your duck looks sort of crispy in the photo. My beef looks.. well, boiled! Thanks
Eeh bugger, yes, sorry I missed that out – you’re meant to drain away the marinade. Sorry about that! I’ll correct it now! Eek!
I have spent the past 3 days at work reading your blog. On page 5 now and while I came for the recipes (Because I’m on my start of the year 3 week obnoxious health kick, which we all know will end up with me face down in a pile of double cheese burger wrappers and wondering why I look like an uncooked rotisserie chicken when naked) I stay to hear the little snippets of your week as it is more interesting than my dull day to day life fighting with a smaller sassier version of myself. I have genuinely laughed so much I had to be removed. And also got a warning at work because I clicked the arsehole link and didn’t read the warning underneath. Oh well!
I have many ideas I am planning on using over the next few weeks, if I don’t give in to Greggs come hither look and end up 4 sausage rolls and a steak bake deep in pastry regret!
Happy new year to you both!
Ahahaha, eeh sorry about that – the arsehole was totally by accident! I’m so pleased you’ve found us and hope we keep you on the straight ‘n’ narrow! And we’ve actually got a steak bake recipe which you’ll probably come across soon too! x