Firstly, let me apologise for something. This sausage, onion and potato breakfast hash looks like something my cat shat out when she was going through the change, and no amount of Photoshop trickery is going to make it look better. But here’s the thing – it was genuinely tasty and I’m sure in more capable hands it would look halfway presentable. But in my defence, I was up at 6am thanks to a combination of Paul’s snoring, Paul’s farting, Paul’s phone going 🎵rit dit dit do doo 🎵- that, with 28 added lusty attempts from him to get some morning marital love outside of his birthday, meant I was super bloody tired. Luckily, I don’t hold a grudge, and I told him I’d grown fond of his face over the last twelve years as I merrily doused the bed with petrol. So, although the sausage, onion and potato breakfast hash looks like shite, I absolutely recommend you give it a go.
Let’s get straight to the recipe with no more chit-chat then, is one of the many opening sentences you may expect from a food blog. However, of course not, it’s us!
Fair warning on this one. The next few paragraphs – whilst not explicit in any way – are a bit more adult than the normal nonsense I post. Bear that in mind if you’re a delicate flower.
I touched on the fact we’d spent a merry weekend surrounded by hurly-burly gay men in my last post, and I feel I should expand on the memory of that. Something I’ve certainly done with alarmingly frequency since being back, for sure. See, every year in Edinburgh, there’s an event called BearScots – which in turn begs a further explanation. For those that div-not-knaa, a bear is a gay man who can’t shop at H&M. It’s where the ‘Cubs’ part of the blog name comes from, for what is a young bear if not a Cub. The theme tends to be hairy, portly and bearded. We’re making the term Cub work bloody hard now we’re both freefalling into the other side of 35, but I’m not changing the name now – we’ve had tea-towels printed. Anyway, it’s a surprisingly international event that puts significant strain on the airframes of low-budget airlines from all over Europe. I’ve always fancied going but, as regular readers will know, I’m a horrendously shy person who hates being looked at. Paul’s even worse, remaining the only man I know who would enjoy waking up in a sealed body bag because at least he’d never have to interact with anyone.
However, we had our arms twisted by a very good friend of ours who promised to look after us and make sure we were tucked up in bed by 10pm with a cocoa. We rashly agreed – somewhat fuelled by alcohol at that point – and before you could say who’s bringing the rubber bedsheets we had rented an apartment with all the laissez-faire attitude to cancellation policies that you’d expect from two frisky tinkers drunk on two sniffs of the barmaid’s cloth. We managed to rope in a couple more to meet up there and in no time at all, we were driving up the A1 to Edinburgh. I say we, Paul was driving and I was feverishly working my way through the many cans of gin and tonic we’d elected to pack instead of toiletries and essentials. It was a long, subdued trip.
Because Paul was driving, the two hour journey took exactly two hours. No stopping for cigarettes, cottaging or a wee mosey around the giftshop, he’s all business. He could be a taxi driver, he’s certainly got the sitting on his arse complaining bit down pat. We met our friends at our fabulously appointed apartment, shrieked at the absolutely tiny shitter (seriously, next time you’re dropping the kids off, try doing it with your legs pressed entirely together), exchanged insurance details and then went out. The first night was CC Blooms and served as an introduction of sorts, just an excuse to have a drink and a catch-up. I admit to being nervous: I’m actually not too bad at being social, to be fair, but it can be quite intimidating walking into a bar with two hundred far more polished hot-takes of yourself. Still, again fuelled with alcohol, I threw myself right into it and can’t deny that I had a maaaarvellous time. Put it this way, I started at 8pm, had already been offered excess and shenanigans by 9pm, and was dressed like this by about 10pm
I know, so demure. They hurt like an absolute motherfucker taking them off, mind you. Paul got into the swing of things almost as quickly, which was lovely. He lost me for about an hour and a half when I ventured downstairs into such a sea of flesh that I ran the very real risk of appearing back upstairs like a spill of mayonnaise rolled in pubic hair. Actually, fair play to me, I kept my hand on my ha’penny all night. Every single person I talked to was an absolute treasure, though, and when Paul and I rolled back to bed early in the morning, I was a very content cub. Mind that also had something to do with the deep-fried Scotch pie that I had smushed into my beard, granted. We stole a pack of Frazzles from the kitchen on our way.
Now, some people can languish in bed fitfully sleeping with their hands smashing all over all day long, but not me – despite having 84% proof blood, I woke at my usual 8am and decided to take the air. Well, that, and I needed fags. Because I’m a prissy bitch, I only like a certain brand, and it took four shops and all manner of blank stares and curious expressions before I found what I was looking for. Not only did the homely wee newsagent provide me with the minty nicotine hit I was desperately craving but also took the time to kindly point out I had a Frazzle adhered to my sweaty bald head from the night before. No wonder I couldn’t get served, I looked as though I was bringing leprosy back.
The day was spent mooching about, feeling sorry for ourselves (now I’ve reached the age where I get hangovers, I start to sympathise with my mother’s short temper at Christmas) and then having a restorative afternoon tea which was terrifically fancy. Naturally, I managed to get Creme Patissiere in my beard and drop my tiny sandwich on the floor, though I maintain we made a good impression with the two lovely Norwegian bears who had decided to sit with us. I heard the words ‘Ukulturerte sviner’ but we can take that as them choking on a flake of puff pastry. We were joined by Patrick, all smiles and startled from the night before, and we left for a couple of pints in Dirty Dicks before nicking back to get changed for the big event. On our way back an absolutely stunning man (tall, bearded, bald, arms like Christmas hams) walked past with his wife (mousy, plain, only in it for the money, definitely having an affair) and attracted all three of our gazes at once. Paul and Patrick are subtle, I’m most certainly not – I span my neck that quickly that the resulting crack of my bones smashing brought the street to its knees. So vexed was the wife by this attention lavished on her husband that she yelled ‘ALRIGHT LADS, YOU CAN STOP GAWPING NOW‘. Only she said it in a broad Scottish burr so actually, it was entirely incomprehensible – for all I know she was hailing a taxi. The chap did smile though. He knew. He knew we would father his children at a moment’s notice.
The evening event was the big one – around 400 blokes packing into The Caves, an underground, multi-level gorgeous place normally reserved for weddings and fancy dinners. It tickles me absolutely pink to think of some wedding nana sitting down sipping her Asti Spumante in the same place where someone was having their ring tested in an entirely different way. The theme for the event was ‘TAPS AFF’ which I’m told means tops off, with everyone being encouraged to take their tops off, wear a kilt or some fetishwear and just have a bloody good time. This was my effort:
I know, the casting for the Bring It On reboot is spot-on. I look like the campest Goal Defence substitute you’ve ever seen, I appreciate that. And yes, I went without my knickers on, a mistake I realised later when the steamy underground air – raised by the exothermic reaction of so much panting and sweating – left my balls clattering around my knees like a set of 90s Clackers. Paul won’t let me post a picture of him in his kilt even though he actually looked great. Poor sport. My top was off before I’d even clambered out of the taxi, the chilly Edinburgh night air no match for my Geordie approach to weather. I break a sweat wearing an earring, let alone wrapping up warm. I shan’t go into detail because it was just eight happy hours of pleasantries, drinking and warm embraces. I’ll say this though: I’ve never – in my absolute entire life – felt more confident in my own skin, back-hair and moobs all included. We both went down well.
Serious bit now. The reason the event is such a success is – from at least what I can see when I’m not gazing at myself in my phone – no bitchiness. I didn’t see a single person looking miserable, or alone, or down at his shoes – just everyone having a bloody good time and mixing wonderfully. I’ve been lucky enough to mince through my life either not experiencing – or rather, not noticing – any hassle about how I look or what I’m doing – but as with most large social groups, you always get a few bad apples. They must have stayed at home turning themselves into bitter applesauce because there was none of that there and it was just absolutely brilliant. We made a tonne of friends who – shock horror – we’re actively staying in contact with. Hell, one especially charming fella is sending me something I absolutely can’t wear for work, and that’s very exciting indeed. Fetch the talc and Momma’s pryin’ bar.
Sunday was the wrap-up event where Mr Bearscots was crowned – a very deserving winner who had crocheted his own kilt – but I had my eyes on one of the runners-up (who luckily visited last week, so we were able to commiserate his loss together). Paul held me back from storming the stage and offering myself up as a consolation hole, which was very decent of him. And of course, because I’m me, I now definitely want to enter Mr Bearscots next year. If Miss Congeniality has taught us anything is that hilarious antics will ensue and I’ll end up being crowned to the strains of ‘One in a Million’ (easy joke there) after I do my ‘making 18″ disappear’ trick.
In all, then, it was an absolutely tremendous weekend, and I’m so glad we rolled the dice and went up. It helped having such lovely company, of course, and the fact that the whole event ran so perfectly is a credit to the organisers and the volunteers. We will be back, in a heartbeat, and we’re also signing up for Bears on Ice next year – the same type of event but in Iceland. Those of you who have been with us a long time may remember our previous escapades in the Land of Fire and Ice, if not, have a click through here and take a look – that’s part six of a six-part blog story of an absolutely amazing trip, with links to all the previous entries included.
Ah, what a time. And here’s Paul’s cheery hangover face, to finish you all off:
See, he does exist! For all his many, endless faults, I do love him so. You’ll note he’s wearing my hoodie in that picture, which he liberally coated in oil from his pizza. That was his face when I dared to raise it to him. I’m sick of living in fear, if I’m honest.
Now, speaking of living in fear, I’m terrified by how rubbish this looks. Well no obviously I’m not, but please forgive me. Onto the sausage, onion and potato breakfast hash…
sausage, onion and potato breakfast hash
Yield 4 servings
This is actually a Nigel Slater recipe that we've tinkered with slightly to make it less buttery and better for your arse. Enjoy. We do spoil you.
- 6 syn free sausages
- 3 medium potatoes
- 1 onion
- 4 eggs
- First, squeeze the sausagemeat out of the casing into 3-4 roughly shaped balls per sausage (don't worry, it doesn't have to be neat)
- Spray a medium sized frying pan with a little oil and place over a medium-high heat
- Add the sausages to the pan and cook until browned all over
- Meanwhile, peel finely slice the onion
- Grate the potato (with the skins on) with a cheese grater
- Drop the grated potato into a sieve and squeeze as much moisture out as you can
- Add the onion to the frying pan and cook for 3-4 minutes, until starting to turn golden
- Add the potato to the pan and cook for a further 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally until golden
- make four divots and crack an egg into each one, cover with a lid and cook for a few minutes until the egg has cooked to your liking
- Got an Actifry or a Halo? PERFECT! Cook the sausages in the pan with the paddle removed, shaking occasionally, for 5-6 minutes until starting to brown. Then add the paddle back to the pan and then chuck in the potato and the onion, and cook for a further 10-12 minutes until done.
- Don't let Fry Light bugger your pans! Chuck it out and get one of these instead
- Make quick work of them onions too with a Mandoline slicer. Be careful if your cack-handed and use the bloody guard!
- Any sausages will do but of course syn free ones are best for your waistline. The best syn free ones we've found are from Muscle Food
- James likes to add a drizzle of chilli sauce to his at the end because he's common
- want more fabulous recipes of this scale and complexity - of course you do, you're wonderful - click away!
I know love, I know.
More breakfast recipes:
- spinach, tomato, egg and feta wrap (syn free)
- oaty breakfast omelette with homous and ham (syn free)
- broccoli, egg, pepper, ham and cheese breakfast burrito (syn free)
- spicy scrambled eggs (syn free)
- baked eggs in cheesy toast (syn free)
- six slimming smoothies (syn free)
- cheesy sausage and egg hash browns (syn free)
- overnight oats (syn free)
- bacon and egg breakfast fried rice (syn free)
- perfect poached egg bombs (syn free)
You guys make my day, you’re “mad craic” as we say in good old Northern Ireland (or Norn Iron, if you want to mimic the Belfast accent)! Love it!!
Ps the cat shite was yummy lol!! Xx
You two are proper funny. Love your stories.
One question the chubby sass and something page created by you? I couldn’t get on with that one.
Looking forward to sampling some recipes.