Urgh: let me make one thing as clear as possible. If Paul or I ever slip into one of those slight mental breaks where we ever consider a ‘NEW YEAR NEW ME’ post, accompanied by some hokey jpeg of a two pairs of footprints walking on a beach, then we give you permission to clatter us about the head until blood trickles from our ears and you’re content we’re in pain no more.

Thing is, I was going to call the post ‘the twochubbycubs comeback’ but then you’d all expect me to say something crass like ‘and I’m not referring to my holiday breath‘ and going forward, we’re just not going to be that type of blog. I mean that’s an out and out lie, of course, we know what sells and it isn’t videos of Paul looking wistfully into the distance telling us his boring work stories.

I think the last time we updated the blog I’d just handed in my notice to concentrate on doing this blog full-time, which is both terrifying and exciting all the same. Being a kind and generous soul who didn’t want to lose his Christmas bonus, I completed three months, handed back my office chair and woke up last Thursday to realise that goodness me, I’m actually going to have to put some effort in here. This is an entirely alien concept to me, given I half-arse everything I do, including half-arsing. So really, I’m only at quarter-arse when you think, though perhaps you should stop thinking about my arse so much, young lady. Luckily Christmas arrived to interrupt my existential crisis and plus I’m locked in a sisyphean battle with LinkedIn who won’t allow me into my account to do the one thing I’ve been waiting to do FOR TEN YEARS: change my profession from ‘trademark whore’ to ‘Full Time Author / fannies about with the press releases’. Raging.

Speaking of Christmas though – and I mention this as it will inform a lot of the blog content for the year ahead – I did manage to successfully overcome fifteen years of letting my husband down with what I (modestly) believe is the best gift ever. See, at the start of 2021, Paul had returned to almost being as wide as he was tall. Given he’s only 2ft 3″ and sleeps in an empty box of Cooks Matches, it doesn’t take much, but even so. He was a very unhappy man, burying his tear-sodden face in whatever takeaway slop he could order. Even someone as self-concerned as myself couldn’t miss the fact he was down in the dumps. We had a frank and honest chat where he told me he would lose the weight through the year, and to his absolute credit, he has. He’s skinnier now than when he was on This Time Next Year breathing Snickers-fumes into Davina’s immaculate hair. Part of our chat was me getting him to write down everything he’s always wanted to do but never felt able to do, whether through feeling self-conscious or because they don’t make a harness big enough for his fat arse. He made the list and I, in the absence of ideas on what to buy a man whose most interesting hobby is picking his belly-button, stole the list back in November. Since then I’ve managed to book him the opportunity to do every single thing on that list in the year ahead and managed to do it in such a romantic way that it hides the fact I really wanted to do most of them myself and this gives me a perfect excuse.

So, 2022 will be what we are cheesily (how many syns) calling the Year of Paul. And you know, for all the treacle-thick mushiness of the name, that’s a year that is so, so overdue. For all that I razz him out on here, and take the endless piss out of him in the books, he goes into work each day so I can now work from home following my dream. What this means for the blog is that after a year and a half of not being able to do much together thanks to COVID, we’re now going to have all sorts of opportunities which in turn will create more entertaining blog posts. Though I’ll give you a sneak preview of the skydiving entry: it’ll just be me screaming for a solid one minute. Oh and I’ll probably not go into too much detail about the colonic.

To accompany the blog entries will be far more regular recipes – all slimming friendly as before – and once I finally break and get a new phone, far more interesting videos and all that stuff. Now that this is my full-time job, I can’t coast along anymore! All that kicks off in the New Year, and we’re excited to get started. Thank you for sticking with us whilst we totally forget about the fact we run a slimming blog, by the way!

Here’s to new beginnings!

Mwah!

J&P

PS: did someone say book three coming soon? Surely not!