Syn-free chicken doner kebab wraps! Yes! We’ve got a fantastic streak of recipes coming down the line and this is just the beginning – proper ‘naughty’ food, and yes, I cringed too writing that.

I’m not going to keep you too long, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve found a butch new past-time – boxing! Well past-time might be overselling it but we’ve just done a boxing class at boot camp and I bloody loved it. I suppose there was always a certain inevitability that I’d enjoy being pummelled in the ring by someone more tattoo than man but still. N0, none of that business, just a few boxing moves in the darkness.

One thing that it brought to light was how terrible I am at throwing a punch – but see, I’m a lover, not a fighter. I prefer to cuddle, but that’s frowned upon, especially when everyone is sweaty. When it was my turn to be the ‘puncher’ I really struggled to work out the technique until, miraculously, that annoying little ‘What’s A Computer?’ shitrat’s face appeared on the pads in front of me and I absolutely leathered them. It felt great! All that anger being released in a safe and controlled fashion, rather than coming out in the form of the spittle dripping down my windscreen. In my head I felt like Conor McGregor, but I’m sure in the harsh light of the gym I was more John Prescott when he got hit by an egg.

I could have cheerfully carried on punching but we had to switch roles (it’s OK, I’m gay, it’s a routine part of our existence: sometimes you’re Jim Henson, sometimes you’re Kermit) and it was my turn to block the punches. That’s fine when it’s Paul and his brittle wrists but when you’ve got people with arms like oil pipelines, it becomes terrifying. All I’m saying is that it’s probably quite hard for the leader to keep up the macho, aggressive atmosphere when you’ve got a big fat mincer shrieking ‘mind me teeth! MIND ME TEEEEEETH‘. Aaaah, good times.

There is a downside to the whole experience – slipping on a pair of communal gloves that have been used for eight classes previously that day…was grim. I felt like I was fisting an especially lubed bumhole. Now: I’m going to tell you something but because it’s super rude, I’m going to a) hide it in white text so you’ll need to highlight it and b) suggest that anyone prudish scrolls to the next paragraph. Don’t say you weren’t warned!

Wondering how I know what fisting someone feels like? Because I did it accidentally. I had met someone for – let’s not be polite here – casual sex (long before I met Paul) and one aspect of gay sex is that usually, you’ve got to apply a fair bit of lube. That’s fine, I was oiling his keyhole when he pushed back without warning, sending my whole fist and half my forearm up his arse, the way a vet does to a cow when he’s trying to deliver a difficult calf. He didn’t even flinch. I’m not into this at all, but what the hell do you do in that situation? It didn’t so much kill my mood as tear it wide open and leave it gaping. I pulled out my fist, checked I still had my ring on (he didn’t) and apologised profusely. He was fine about it, but there was no fucking way I was following it up – I’ve got nowt to be ashamed of, but I’d hate to meet the man who can compete with the girth of his own balled-up fist. I made an excuse (my arm looks like a giant fizzy cola bottle, THANKS) and legged it. 

Legend has it that if you listen carefully, in the right conditions, you can actually hear Ben from Hartlepool’s arse whistling in the breeze even now.

You’re back! We’re going to buy our own set and one of those wee mannequins that you can punch about the room without fear of being sent to jail. I might stick Little Mo’s face on it from Eastenders and pretend I’m Trevor. Man, I used to have such a thing for him, which I know is terrible: he was a monster, but I wouldn’t mind being face-down in his gravy, I can promise you.

Anyway, on that charming note, to the recipe! We’ve adapted this from recipetineats which is a fantastic site – if you haven’t visited yet go there now!

 to make chicken doner kebab wraps you will need:

• 8 chicken thighs, boneless and skinless
• half a red cabbage, finely sliced
• half an iceberg lettuce, chopped
• 1 red onion, sliced
• 1 tbsp tabasco sauce (or any hot sauce)
• 4 WeightWatchers low fat white wraps (4x HeB)

for the marinade

• 250g fat-free natural yoghurt
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1½ tsp ground coriander
• 2 tsp ground cumin
• 2 tsp paprika
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper (or hot chilli powder)
• 1½ tsp onion granules
• ½ tsp black pepper
• 2½ tbsp tomato puree
• 1½ tsp salt
• 1 tbsp lemon juice

for the yoghurt and mint sauce

• 100g fat-free natural yoghurt
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 1 tsp mint sauce

top tips for chicken doner kebab wraps

• we had lettuce, cabbage, onion and tabasco sauce in our kebab but you can have whatever you like!
• cooking in the oven will give you the best results but if you can’t be arsed you can also do them under the grill – just be careful they don’t burn and make sure they’re cooked in the middle
• a Tefal Optigrill will also make light work of this – just press the ‘Chicken’ button and cook until the light is yellow/orange, turning once or twice halfway through
• you can help keep the chicken moist by spraying with a bit of oil before it goes in the oven, and just before you turn them halfway through. Frylight tastes rank, get one of these instead and go for a proper tasty mist, with real oil!
• you really want chicken thighs for this one – you could use breasts, but they might go a bit dry
• don’t be shy when stuffing your wrap – you’ll probably have quite a bit of meat left over – this makes LOADS

to make chicken doner kebab wraps you should:

• in a large bowl mix together all of the marinade ingredients
• add the chicken and mix to coat well
• cover the bowl in cling film and leave to marinade in the fridge for at least 3 hours, or ideally overnight
• in another bowl, mix together the sauce ingredients and leave in the fridge until you need it
• preheat the oven to 220°c
• find a baking tray that’s the right size so that you can sit the skewers for the next bit on either side – a pyrex dish is perfect for this
• remove the chicken thighs from the marinade and divide into two piles
• fold the chicken thighs over and push onto two parallel skewers – think about those horrible ice lollies you had with two sticks – that’s the kind of thing you’re after. use two skewers for each pile, so you’ll end up with two big kebabs
• sit the ends of the skewers on the edge of the dish so that the meat doesn’t touch the bottom – you don’t want to lose any of that tasty marinade!
• bake in the oven for 35 minutes, then turn and bake for another twenty minutes
• remove from the oven and then carefully stand them up on a chopping board, and slice thinly
• open up a wrap and fill with your chosen toppings
• add the chicken, drizzle over any sauces, fold over the wrap and eat
• make it tastier by toasting the wrap first in a griddle pan or Optigrill!

Or, to put it simply: marinade your chicken, skewer it and cook it in the oven – easy.

That’s a wrap! Oh noes, my sides. If you love wraps as much as we do, have a look at some of our other recipes!

• spinach, tomato, egg and feta wrap (syn free)
• steak, feta and veg wraps (syn free)
• grilled chicken tikka wraps (1 syn)
• stuffed greek wraps (under 1 syn)
• mcdonald’s style crispy chicken wrap (1.5 syns)
• chicken caesar wrap (3 syns)
• twochubbycubs’ christmas wrap (3.5 syns)

Enjoy!

J