Yes: the DILF burger. We toyed with the idea of calling it the salt and pepper burger but that’s dull. So, to keep things filthy, we’re calling it the DILF burger. Choose your explanation:

• “I spend lots of time on my knees praying” = the DILF stands for Dieting Is Lots of Fun
• “I spend lots of time on my knees doing things that it’s not nice to talk about” = the DILF stands for Dad I‘d Like to Fu…

Yeah! You know, like Tim from Corrie, Jim Hopper from Stranger Things and the new Captain Birdseye – have you seen him?

He’s gone straight from Yewtree to You: Now.

Only doing a very quick post tonight as I have to spend the rest of the evening sobbing into my HMRC forms. I thought I had filed it months ago but er, turns out I had left it to check something and then totally forgot about it. Still, I can’t see it being a problem – it’s not like the lines at HMRC will be busy, eh? Wish me luck! Let’s get straight to the recipe!

to make the DILF burger you will need:

• 500g lean beef mince
• 4 bacon rashers
• 70g peppercorns (we used a mixture of pink and black)
• a good grind of salt
• 250g button mushrooms, sliced
• 1 large onion, thinly sliced
• 1 large tomato, sliced
• 25g Philadelphia Lightest (you can have 110g as a healthy extra, so up to you if you bother synning such a small amount divided by four)
• 80g reduced fat cheddar cheese, cut into four slices (2x HeA)
• 4 wholemeal buns (4x HeB)
• 2 big handfuls of rocket (or any salad leaf you want)

top tips to make the DILF burger

• a pestle and mortar for the pepper is best but if you haven’t got one or can’t be arsed you could use a grinder, or alternatively bash it with the end of a rolling pin
• musclefood do some amazing deals on mince and bacon – have a look, you can build yer own hamper these days – fancy!
• a good oil mister is perfect for this one – this is what we recommend
• you can cook this in a frying pan, under the grill or with a fancy gadget – we used an Optigrill for ours and used the ‘Burger’ button for a perfect rare burger. A George Foreman grill will do the job too!
• wholemeal rolls look really shit in a photo. We used a brioche for purely photographic purposes – if you use a brioche bun, syn them (ASDA’s are about eight syns)

to make the DILF burger you should

• heat a saucepan over a high heat and spray in a little oil
• add the mushrooms and onions and fry for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently
• remove from the heat and set aside
• use a pestle and mortar (or a grinder) to grind the peppercorns and the salt to a coarse consistency and carefully pour onto a plate
• next, tip the mince into a large bowl and knead for a little bit to help mix it up and easier to shape
• divide the mince into four and form into burgers (see Top Tips above)
• gently press each burger in the peppercorns until well coated – don’t forget the edges! if the mince is dry, give a quick spritz with some oil to help it stick
• spray a large frying pan with oil and place on a high heat or use a grill (see Top Tips above) and cook the burgers to your liking, then remove to a plate
• in the same pan, chuck in the bacon and cook until done
• making sure the mushrooms and onions have cooled a bit, add the philly and give a good stir
• split the rolls and add a quarter of the mushroom mix to each bun
• top with a burger, slice of cheese, bacon, tomato and rocket
• cram into gob and turn into poo

Don’t worry – that wet patch will soon dry up. But if you don’t want it to, check out our other burger recipes!

• dirty threesome burger
• the perfect slimming world big mac
• the girthburger
• twochubbycubs zinger tower burger
• the beastburger
• bacon cheeseburger sloppy cubs
• philly cheesesteak sliders
• the reuben burger
• goat cheese beefburger
• the fat bastard burger
• pork and apple burgers with blue cheese
• fruity pulled pork burgers
• black bean and quinoa burgers
• kangaroo burger
• falafal burgers
• grilled harissa chicken summer burgers
• chicken cordon bleu burgers
• veggie ploughman’s burger
• zesty salmon burger
• fisherman’s burger

Gosh, that’s a lot!

J