A posh burger? Yes: after our recent run of geet-common-as-owt fakeaways, we’re making the place all classy like by introducing a fakeaway burger you’d be proud to take home and show to your parents. I was proud to show Paul off when we first got together: he looked relatively normal, see. My exes beforehand had either been freakishly tall, hilariously fat, curiously-long-armed or particularly fat-lipped. It was nice to finally be dating someone who didn’t look like the reflection in a fun-house mirror.
But before we get to the burger, just a quick note. It came to our attention today that someone has been printing out our recipes, putting them in a file and selling it online to unsuspecting slimmers. Once we found out about it, down came the hammer and the problem was solved quickly, with a cheerful extra donation to our cat and dog shelter fund. Here’s the thing: we are decent, honest lads and we don’t mind helping anyone. If you want to print off one of our recipes to keep in your kitchen, you go right ahead.
(unlike Other food Blogs who tell you not to print off the recipes ‘because they get updated so often’ – but it’s actually because they don’t want to lose the ad revenue from you nipping back to check, just sayin’)
But don’t take the piss. We do this for free because we want everyone to have access to decent, proper food recipes with a side of laughs as an accompaniment. We own the literary works on our blog, including the heavily stylised writings of our recipes and as such, unauthorised copying (especially to make a profit) of our literary work and failure to identify us as the author infringe our copyright and moral rights. We will absolutely, 100% come after you for it if we find out you’re doing it, it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got “good intentions” because “not everyone wants to read on a website” – I can’t ring up JK Rowling and tell her I’m going to stick the Harry Potter books on some bog-roll because people might want to wipe their shittoris on it, after all. Our recipes, content, images and style belong entirely to us. That wee (c) on our photos doesn’t just stand for (c)littyboomboom, you know.
Can’t be arsed to read all that? Let me sum it up:
- planning on ripping off our work for profit – don’t, we’ll get you in the end;
- fatty fatty jiggly boobs looking for recipes – you’ll find them all on here, free. You never have to pay to use us, and that’s doubly important if you’re a big brutish man
Right then, the burger!
to make a posh burger, you’ll need:
- 500g lean minced beef
- 3 large onions, sliced
- 60ml balsamic vinegar
- 4x wholemeal rolls (4x HeB)
- 160g soft goats cheese (4x HeA)
- 2 tbsp red cooking wine (1 syn)
- salad leaves (lettuce, rocket, spinach – whatever you fancy)
- 2 large tomatoes, sliced
- ½ tsp salt
- ½ tsp pepper
top tips for a posh burger:
- don’t like goats cheese? swap it for any cheese that you like – or leave it out entirely! It’s up to you!
- slice the onions in double-quick time with one of these – just watch your fingers if you’re a clumsy twat
- can’t be bothered with caramelising your own onions? use the premade stuff instead, a tablespoon of caramelised onion chutney will set you back 1 syn
- red cooking wine doesn’t contain any alcohol and is a great, cheap way to get the same flavour, but you can use proper red wine if you want – just remember to syn it!
- we used an Optigrill to cook our burger and it did the job brilliantly – just press the ‘Burger’ button. A George Foreman will also do the job, or you can cook this in a pan or under the grill
- we won’t lie – we used a brioche bun because wholemeal rolls always look crap in photos. You shouldn’t!
- as you know, we think Frylight is rank! We use this instead and it’s never let us down! This is great for misting the onions in this recipe
- We used Musclefood’s excellent lean minced beef for this one – if you haven’t tried them yet you should! We’ve got some cracking deals suitable for any budget, and if you buy through us you help keep the site going!
to make a posh burger, you should:
- spray a saucepan with oil and place over a medium heat
- add the onions to the pan and spray over a little bit more oil
- leave the onions to cook in the pan, stirring only when they start to go a bit brown, and make sure to scrape up any bits on the bottom
- add the balsamic vinegar and wine and leave to cook until most of it has evaporated off – this won’t take that long – you’ll be left with tasty caramelised onions
- let them cool for a bit, and then mix half of it into the mince along with the salt and pepper – save the other half for later on
- divide the mixture into four balls and squash (or press) into burgers
- cook the burgers to however you like them – in a pan, under the grill or in a fancy Optigrill like we did – whichever way you prefer!
- meanwhile, start to assemble your burger
- place the salad leaves on the bottom along with the sliced tomato, then add the burger, remaining caramelised onions and top with the goats cheese
Love nowt more than stuffing yourself full of meat? We hear you gurl. Check out some of our other recipes! We’ve also got a few veggie ones!
- black bean and quinoa burgers (syn free)
- reuben burger (syn free)
- the norolfno kangaroo burger (syn free)
- goat cheese beefburger (syn free)
- falafel burger with tzatziki (syn free)
- pork and apple burgers with blue cheese (syn free)
- fat bastard burger (0-? syns)
- syn free beef burgers (syn free)
- grilled harissa chicken summer burgers (0-3 syns)
- chicken cordon bleu burgers (0.5 syns)
- dirty threesome burger (0 – 1.5 syns)
- bacon cheeseburger bites (half a syn)
- the perfect slimming world big mac (3.5 syns)
- fruity pulled pork burger (3 syns)
- 2cc zinger fillet tower (3 syns)
- sloppy joe cheeseburger bake (1 syn)
- zesty salmon burger (4 syns)
- the girthburger (1 syn)
- fisherman’s burger (3.5 syns)
- the beast burger (5 syns)
- chubby gobstuffers (2.5 syns)