Well, hello there! Here for our char sui pork? It’s understandable, you love a bit of meat. This is our final ‘Chinese’ style meal for a while, you’ll either be pleased or disappointed to hear! What could our next theme be…anyway, it’s not James writing tonight, but rather Paul. You can tell because my swearing is more gentle and there’s about 60% less knob jokes.

After James’ posts yesterday on why I’m so damn perfect I thought it’s only fair that I do one the other way round. So here goes: three things which make James pretty damn spesh.

He’s like a hairy water bottle

Now you might think that that sounds gross, but hear me out here.

As we are slightly less rotund than before we keep finding ourselves at full nipple-on quite often and it’s so handy having a heat source to hand. There’s nowt better when you’ve just come in from taking the bins out to smushing your face right into a hot pillow made out of fat – it’s truly wonderful. And not only that but he sometimes lifts up his belly so I can put my feet underneath, so it’s like getting your feet massaged whilst in a hot bath. It’s great! One of my most favourite things in the world (and he’ll hate me for saying this) is when I get up for a piss in the middle of the night and get back into bed to warm up. I’ll press right up against him and I feel like a panini.

Surprises

I’ll try not to get too mushy here because I know you miserable buggers hate all of that, but he’s always been one for giving me surprises, and not just of the venereal disease kind – the couple that leaks together stays together. Sometimes they’re small, like an unexpected Creme Egg and sometimes they’re fookin’ massive, like that time he surprised me with a trip to New York. I quite often come home to find a new desk gadget, or a cake, or something that he found in a shop somewhere that he thought I would like.

Encouragement

I have absolutely zero willpower. Quite literally none at all. If I were still single I’d have had a heart attack about ten years ago because I just can’t stop myself. Fortunately I’ve got Muffin who’ll not only dissuade me from eating shit or doing daft stuff, but do it kindly as well. It’s like having to distract a tantruming toddler – he does it tactfully and patiently! But it’s not just with food, it’s with other stuff too – we often come up for ideas for the blog together but I either lose patience or get distracted, but he’s always there to keep me on track and focussed. It’s helped me change and also to work hard to get a better job. Honestly, without him I’d be too scatty to actually ever get anything done.

Right, that’s enough of that bollocks, eh? Onto what you really came here for – char sui pork! This’ll make one big, long Linford-style tenderloin, enough for four servings and then spin the leftovers into our mixed chow mein. I mean honestly.

to make char sui pork you will need:

• 500g pork tenderloin
• 2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
• 2 tbsp ginger, minced
• 60ml soy sauce
• 60ml cider vinegar
• 2 tbsp brown sugar with stevia (6 syns)
• 1 tbsp hoi sin sauce (1½ syns)
• 2 tbsp honey (5 syns)
• salt
• pepper
• pak choi

top tips for making char sui pork:

• don’t be tempted to skimp on the syns for this one – they’re worth every single one! remember that syns are there to be used!
• sort that ginger in seconds with one of these Microplane graters! It’s our most used kitchen gadget!
• this is fantastic in our tasty mixed chow mein!

to make char sui pork you should:

• slap the pork out onto a chopping board and make a few diagnonal slashes across the length of it – not too deep, mind
• mix everything else together and pour into a shallow dish
• plop the pork in, turn it over a few times in the marinade and leave it for as long as possible – overnight ie best
• preheat the oven to 200°c
• put a rack over a roasting tin, and fill the tin halfway with water (make sure it doesn’t touch the top of the rack)
• put the pork on the rack and roast in the oven for twenty minutes
• turn the pork over, brush with the remaining marinade and reduce the temperature to 180°c
• roast for another twenty minutes
• remove from the oven and slice into discs
• serve with whatever you like – we steamed some pakchoi leaves and served it on there, but would recommend some rice or noodles to go with!

Belly still rumbling? Don’t worry – we’ll look after you. Here’s some more fakeaway goodness:

• pork and ginger stir fry (syn free)
• salt and pepper chips (syn free)
• saucy diet cherry coke chicken (syn free)
• speedy spring roll bowls (syn free)
• bacon and egg fried rice (syn free)
• salt & pepper chicken (syn free)
• perfect egg fried rice (syn free)
• beef in a black bean sauce (0.5 syns)
• stir fry cucumber and pork (1 syn)
• saucy rainbow beef (1.5 syns)
• best ever lemon chicken (1.5 syns)
• thai chicken dipping balls (1 syn)
• best ever mixed chow mein (2 syns)
• sesame chicken and broccoli (1 syn)
• sticky sesame chicken (2.5 syns)
• crispy chilli beef (1 syn)
• spicy orange chicken (2.5 syns)
• sizzling steak (2 syns)
• spicy szechuan beef (1.5 syns)
• bang bang chicken (4 syns)
• mongolian beef (2.5 syns)
• fresh spring rolls and dipping sauce (3 syns)

P