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August 26, 2018

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no regrets: proper pizza bianca

Here for the pizza bianca but upset by the lack of Rickaaaay jokes? Understandable.

Now, we’ve been stuck for things to write about lately so we thought we’d throw the blog open to some random questions. Our readers came up with…well, see below. Paul is going to be answering for a change – try not to split your bean from buttering it so much.

National Express or MEGABUS?

Coaches are universally crap – you cannot have a good experience on one. That’s a fact. Saying that, I had the best nights’ sleep I’ve ever had on a Megabus from Portsmouth to Newcastle when I was canoodling with James, so that’d be the winner (plus can’t really get vexed for a quid, can you?). He ruined it a bit when he shot his bolt over the back of the seat into the darkness (half-empty bus, it was fine) – what can I say, we were in love at the time.

Are you the giver or the taker?

Giver! But only because of laziness. I can’t be arsed with all the prep that goes into being the garage. Plus, I’ve wrecked my arse with years of Dulcolax abuse trying to chase that Slimmer of the Week basket of fermenting fruit. James is both and it’s to his eternal chagrin that the tunnel never opens.

Have either of you ever been with a woman?

Nah. It has literally never, ever crossed my mind to even consider it. James often says he has but I’m not too sure, he recoils at bras in Asda but that could be down to bad memories from his sports bra at school.

Top 5 celebrities you would invite to your dinner party (dead or alive – *doesn’t have to include Pete burns 😂*) 

  1. Jeremy Corbyn – a genuinely decent bloke, plus I reckon he’s got some right filthy stories about Diane Abbott
  2. Michael Barrymore – pre-current miserable state, though. Only if he was peppy/coked-up like in the Strike it Lucky days. I’d definitely be a top, middle AND a bottom in that situation.
  3. Bianca Del Rio – for sheer hilarity
  4. Debbie McGee – she’s genuinely a dead funny, dippy person in real life and a right scream – and we could get to the bottom of those dog rumours
  5. Tracy Chapman – my favourite singer. She can sing us a lovely tune at the end when we’re all pissed up.

SERIOUS INTERJECTION FROM JAMES:

TRACY CHAPMAN IS NOT A GOOD SINGER. I’D RATHER LISTEN TO AN AUTO-TUNED FANNY-FART THAN THAT WHINGEING BAG.

Favourite sexual position?

Whatever means I don’t get a sore back or muscle cramp and takes the least amount of effort.

Would you rather penis sized nipples or nipple sized penis

What kind of bloody question is this?!?!

Do you ever feel like jacking this page in ?

Nah! Sometimes you do think that life would be easier without having to deal with people arguing over nowt in the group but honestly, we have so much fun with it I couldn’t imagine life without it. Plus the blog pays for James’ cigars, booze and expensive jacket collection. I make do with a crust of bread and a glass of water for dipping.

Would you like to have kids and be daddies?

Nah. I love kids and they love me and I like looking after them for short periods, but once they start screaming/crying/whinging/shitting then the fun ends and you can have them straight back, thank-you-very-much. We’re both altogether too selfish for kids. A disposable income warms your heart and gives you more love than a snotty ball of grass-stained kids ever could. Sorry not sorry. James is terrible with babies anyway – he handles them like you might handle a pan full of hot oil as someone reversed a car at you.

Someone suggested we do a swirl (saw it on Modern Family) where we both yankee-doodle into a cup and then neither of us would know who the dad is. Which is a nonsense, because if he grew up to be a barely literate socially awkward raging homo, he’d be my child. If he grew up to be a barely literate socially awkward raging homo with a sassy mouth, he’d be James’. Either way, he’d be doomed to a life of cry-wanks and endless health anxiety.

What’s the most outrageous fetish either of you have ever tried?

As a young ‘un I was having a ‘fling’ with an older man that’d satisfy my cider and Golden Virginia needs. Out of the blue he asked me to fart on him and pulled out a tin of Aldi beans. It was so surreal. Did absolutely nothing for me at all except made me gip, but I got money out of it sooooooo.

Whereas James pooed on someone for £200. OR DID HE *WAVY MYSTERIOUS LINES*

Any near death experiences?

I accidentally cut through the cable of a hedge trimmer when I was about 13 (sorry dad) when I was pissing about with it. Called 999 because I panicked so much and got a telling off for it because I wasn’t actually dying or in any danger. Other than that – nah.

James – I nearly drowned twice on holiday. Once I’ve documented in here where my mum and dad gave us a ropey pedalo, put us in a river in a deep gorge and sent us on our merry way, where we promptly capsized and were rescued by two German tourists as my parents lounged on the beach in a fug of Lambert and Butler smoke. Second time – and you’ll spot a theme – we were on a giant loch in Scotland. Other kids had nice canoes or fun toys, we had an bright yellow inflatable boat my dad had found on the beach. Anyway my sister and I paddled merrily out in the middle of this loch only to find the reason the boat had been left was because of a slow leak. We set about drowning and were only saved by another family who dashed in to pull us ashore.

Not all bad though. My parents were so relieved and wracked with guilt that they let us play with the bleach under the sink for the rest of the night. Good times were had by all.

That’ll do it for the Q&A for now. James’ turn next. We’ve got a friggin’ no regrets pizza to post – remember, our no regrets series is food that is high in syns but bloody worth it.

pizza bianca

pizza bianca

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no regrets pizza bianca

Prep

Cook

Total

Yield 2 10" pizzas

Pizza bianca - it's topped with ginger and when you shut it in the oven, it screams because the silver puffa jacket catches ahad. You can reduce the syns of course by changing up the topping but really, it's the dough that is the star of the show here. Enjoy!

Each 10" pizza is 45 syns, but worth every bite!

Ingredients

for the dough

  • 250g plain flour (40 syns)
  • 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, divided (12 syns)
  • 180ml lukewarm water
  • 1 tsp dried active yeast
  • 1½ tsp salt

for the pizza

  • 225g grated mozzarella (38½ syns)
  • 180g ricotta (2x HeA)
  • 1 clove garlic minced
  • pinch red pepper flakes
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • fresh basil leaves
  • 60g grated parmesan (2x HeA)

Instructions

  • pour the water into your mixing bowl and sprinkle over the yeast - give it a few minutes until it's dissolved
  • mix in the flour and salt until you get floury, shaggy dough - or do what we did and chuck it all in a stand mixer with a kneading hook
  • knead for a good five minutes by slapping it out and pushing it with the ball of your hand - come on, you've seen sleb chefs do this, you know how it is
  • chuck back into the bowl, drizzle over 1 tbsp of the olive oil and cover with cling film and leave it for an hour or so in a warm place until it's risen
  • slap the dough out divide into two balls (or keep as one if you want one enormous pizza)
  • stretch or roll into pizzas as thick or as thin as you like
  •  preheat the oven to as hot as it'll go (no joke)
  • sprinkle over the mozzarella over the pizza bases,
  • mix together the ricotta, chilli flakes and garlic and dollop onto the pizzas 
  • spread out the basil leaves and sprinkle with the parmesan
  • slide onto a baking sheet and bake in the oven for 10-15 minutes until golden and bubbling
  • leave to cool for a few minutes, slice and serve!

Notes

Courses pizza

Cuisine twochubbycubs

Wanting a pizza the action (sorry) but worried your consultant will punch you on the boob if you eat something like this? Well ignore that feeling of doubt, you’re better than that. But if you must compromise, we have some great pizza recipes!

Yes!

J

(PS: I really did, easy money)

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June 9, 2016

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american, beef, beef mince, breast, chip shop, fakeaways, fast food restaurants, italian, kebab shop, lunch, pizza, pork, pork joints, poultry, recipe card, savoury snacks, snacks, syn free, taster ideas

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chilli and cheesy fries pizza

I know, chilli and cheesy fries pizza. I’m about two steps away from my recipes being ‘tip everything in the fridge into a Nutribullet, blend, drink’. Even then I’d get someone with lips like a balloon-knot furiously messaging me to tell me that a blend of bacon, the cat’s ear medicine and seven bags of forgotten/ignored kale has syns because Margaret Mags says so in that little book of dreams. But see we had a tub of leftover chilli from the time we made slow-cooked pulled pork chilli and we haven’t done a pizza for a long while. Aside from the Dominos we had the other night, but listen, Paul had come on or something and needed something to comfort eat. It’s either that or have Lil-lets tumbling around in my bathroom. This is the type of tea you need at the end of an emotional or busy day – something stodgy, admittedly not full of speed food, but something that feels naughty and has the added bonus of invariably smearing all down whatever shirt you’re wearing. I’m not even joking, it’s gotten to the stage where we almost undress one another before a meal so we don’t wreck another shirt. It creates an odd image for a curious neighbour, who might glance through our kitchen window from afar and think two shaved bison are mincing about taking pictures of fucking risotto. Meh, let them drool I say.

Anyway, it’s exactly the type of food I could do with today – I had two ‘OH SHIT’ moments at my work. You know that awful feeling when you’ve cocked something up and your heart sinks and your bumhole starts unpicking the seams of your trousers? That clamminess of the brow and the shooting pains down your left arm? That’s happened twice today. First time I was looking at a deadline for an important piece of work and worked out that I’d missed the filing deadline by three days. I’ve only been in my current role for three months but surely that’s long enough to be packed out of the door with a flea in my ear? I took myself to the gents toilet down a few floors, took a few deep breaths to compose myself (and learn this readers – never, ever go to a busy shitter to take a deep breath – it’s a pretty safe bet that I’ve got advanced mesothelioma as a result) and work out my apology. Ashen-faced, I made my way back to my desk only to realise that it’s June, not fucking July, and that I have a whole five weeks to crack on with things. Phew. I nervously laughed and carried on with my day, with my heart-rate only taking three hours to return back to it’s normal thwomp-thwomp-stutter-seize-thwomp pattern. Thank Christ I’m defibrillator trained, though I reckon they’d frown upon self-use. Plus the smell of my burning chest hair would condemn the building.

Oh, and the second time? I thought I’d missed out on a cupcake. Christ, I almost booked a meeting room out for a good cry.

Anyway come on, let’s get cracking.

chilli and cheesy fries pizza

This makes enough for one wrap – just double up. Credit for the original idea for the recipe goes to realfoodbydad, we’ve tweaked it to make it SW friendly!

to make chilli and cheesy fries pizza you will need:

  • 6 tbsp leftover chilli, spaghetti bolognese, pulled pork or whatever you’ve got
  • 1 BFree Multigrain Wrap (HeB) or whichever other wrap you find that is a) your HEB and b) doesn’t taste like a verruca sock (if you don’t want to use your HEB, this wrap is only 4.5 syns)
  • 50g reduced fat grated mozarella (HeA) (again, swap out this for any cheese you like, or syn some, hey, I’m not fussy – if you don’t want to use your HEA, 50g of mozzarella is 6.5 syns)
  • two good handfuls of Slimming World chips (an Actifry is your best bet for this job – buy one and never look back!) (and yes, you can use leftovers – leftover chips haha, like any of us have trouble breathing unassisted at night because we leave leftovers)
  • 2 tbsp of sliced jalapenos
  • 1 spring onion, sliced

to make chilli and cheesy fries pizza you should:

  • preheat the oven to 240 degrees
  • spread over your base sauce over the wrap, leaving  gap of about 1cm around the edge
  • spread the chips out over the wrap, as evenly spaced as you can manage whilst you’re cramming them into your mouth
  • sprinkle over the cheese and top with the jalapenos and spring onion
  • bake in the oven for about 5 minutes, or until the cheese has melted

Easy, really. Now of course we’ve made some wonderful pizzas before, you see…

 

Really, what’s not to love? For more fakeaway recipe ideas, click on the link below!

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J

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June 3, 2016

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syn free pizza stuffed meatloaf

I was just going to do a quick post tonight to accompany this pizza stuffed meatloaf but damn it, it deserves a proper articles. Partially because I’m too lazy to type and also because tonight’s guest writer Vicky looks the sort to smash your knees in over an unpaid catalogue debt, I’m going to hand you over to her. Vicky would like to talk about something not normally mentioned on this blog – being thin. Let’s go. Mind, because I’m an egotistical terror, I’ll be butting in throughout. REMEMBER, these articles are done by people who fancy taking a stab at writing but don’t have an outlet. If you can’t say anything nice, keep it schtum. For me! FAIR WARNING: there’s a lot of blue language in this post!

sticks and stones – by Vicky “Thundergash” M

So – James has invited us mere mortals to write in his blog – I feel like I’ve been invited to have tea with the Queen. Except it’s a Queen that swears a lot and slugs gin like a menopausal housewife. (James: our Queen does have a much better beard, mind)

We’ve been advised that we should write about what we know. Hmm. I don’t know loads – I’m just a normal 35 year old mum of 2 kids.

I do know about weight though. Oh, I know a hell of a lot about weight, on both ends of the scale (scale, geddit?) (James: I’ll do the jokes, please) (I’m kidding)

Firstly – I have Marfan syndrome (look it up if you want to be nosey) – it basically means I have long skinny limbs and according to textbooks I should be as skinny as a beanpole. Pfft. I was, as a kid. Skinny jokes were all I heard growing up and I absolutely hated my body. I was the tall gangly kid and to this day it annoys me that people can be told “you’re too skinny – you need to eat” yet fat comments are a no-no. Why can’t people just not comment at all? Wankers. I seem to have slipped from one end of the fat-scale to the other. I had legs like string – no, not those slender, sexy legs that people gaze lustfully upon. I’m talking bony with knobbly knees that invite cat calls of “oy Wednesday legs! Wednesday gonna snap?“

Yep – being skinny was a fucking ball (a ball of shite more like) now I know I’m meant to say “embrace your body sisters (and brothers) love every part of yourself!” but try telling a 15 year old girl that. I hated my body. One day I hit puberty and widened. It seemed to happen overnight. I looked like an HGV reversing up a back lane. I got hips, thighs, an arse you could hide Shergar in and stretch marks all over – on my shoulders, my hips, my bastard thighs – you name it.

My mum would tut and kindly say “those jeans would look great if your hips were smaller” (cheers ma!)

as I got into my twenties (after giving birth to a 10lb 12oz baby) I looked like a road map naked, or perhaps a saddened zebra, with my big massive tits resting kindly on my deflated belly. Gorgeous eh? Anyway, here’s my point. I’m a size 16 or on a good day a generous size 14. To this day I get told “there’s nothing on you! I’d love your figure!” cos I do now have decent legs (ha! take that bullies!) but I still hate what I see in the mirror. No amount of dieting and exercise can hide my saggy tits, my C-section scar and how Mother Nature decided to gift my skin with probably 40% of it covered in stretchmarks.

What annoys me is the “I’d love your body” comments. No, no you wouldn’t. I dislike my body and massive hips just as much as the next woman.

Did I mention that I recently got engaged? I finally met a man who loves me and my dodgy bod. Does it matter that whilst I’m naked I often have “how can he stay hard when he’s looking at this?!” running through my head? Not to him. He’s 17 stone (James: pffft amateur!) and loves cake and bread. I LOVE his pot belly, I wouldn’t change a thing on him and sometimes (on a good day) I let it sink in that he feels the same way about me.

I suppose I should be happy and if this was a film I’d discover a way to love myself. But I’m not in a film. Haven’t been since ‘Vixen Vicky and the Broken Down Rugby Coach 8: Fill ‘Er Up.’ Reality isn’t like that is it? I know that if I won the lottery and could afford new tits and a new belly, I’d never be fully happy with myself. I did however discover shirt dresses and that belts create a waist. A decent bra can hide a multitude of syns. I’ll never have a bikini bod but a cute swimming costume with a little ruffle skirt can hide my thighs and the stretchmarks. I suppose I may not be happy with what I’m working with – but I can dress to create a way to carry it off, and unless someone’s looking fabulous and mentions it themselves never EVER tell someone they need to “lose a few pounds” to look good in their jeans or to eat more as they’re too skinny. You never know what they’re facing.

Just be kind to people.

Oh and enjoy your syns – that’s what they’re there for!

I’d like to applaud Vicky for her honesty and her very Radio 4 way of putting things. That’s if Radio 4 was hosted by Jordan and consisted solely of her gargling semen down the microphone for eight hours. I wish people did love themselves more. Without wanting to be all claphappy, everyone looks beautiful in some way. Even if you’ve got a face like a prolapsed anus, you might still have nice fingers. Teeth like a downed aircraft? Bet you’ve got a shapely bottom. Everyone has something good about them and I tell you now, from someone who spends a lot of time people watching, those who walk with confidence aren’t always the skinny, toned folk you might assume. I’ve given up caring what people think – I’ve met my husband, I’m happy with my lot, so now when I go to a beach I’ll pay no second thought to getting out my hairy back and my wobbling Mitchell Brothers titties. If you don’t like it, that’s tough banana. I like to feel the sun on my tyres as much as the next guy.

Anyway enough of that – I’m on the verge of breaking out a drum circle. Let’s get to the recipe for pizza stuffed meatloaf.

This recipe makes enough for four if you serve it, like we did, with some broccoli and cheesy sweet potato and kale mash, which you can find the recipe for right here. If I’m absolutely honest, we ate two servings each, but then we are both Notorious P.I.Gs. So, y’know, do what you will.

pizza stuffed meatloaf pizza stuffed meatloaf

to make pizza stuffed meatloaf you will need:

  • 500g beef mince 
  • 4 tbsp tomato puree
  • 1 tbsp cider vinegar
  • 1 tsp oregano
  • 30g grated parmesan (1x HEA)
  • 70g reduced fat mozzarella (1x HEA)
  • few slices of ham
  • handful of basil leaves
  • salt and pepper

We used one packet of mince from our Musclefood deal – you get four packs included in the price together with chicken, bacon and beef pieces – more than enough to keep you going for weeks! Click here to take advantage of that! This is actually very easy to make and looks impressive!

to make pizza stuffed meatloaf you should:

  • preheat the oven to 190 degrees
  • in a small bowl mix together the tomato puree, vinegar and oregano to make a paste – add more vinegar or water if you need to thin it a bit
  • lay out some baking paper and shape the mince into a rectangle shape, about 9″ by 7″
  • add two tbsp of the tomato sauce onto the meatloaf and spread out, leaving about 1/2″ around the edge
  • on one half, layer on a few slices of ham, half the grated mozzarella and half of the parmesan
  • use the parchment paper to ‘fold’ over the empty half on top of the other half, and pinch together the seams
  • carefully move the meatloaf onto a baking sheet
  • spoon 2 tbsp of tomato sauce onto the top of the mixture and sprinkle on the remaining cheese and some salt and pepper
  • cook in the oven for about thirty minutes
  • serve with your sides and revel in the fact it’s all so delicious and syn free!

Oh, if you’ve bought a basil plant just for the sake of a few leaves, stick the plantpot into a small container and fill it with water. This time of year it’ll grow quite merrily on a windowsill as long as you water it from the bottom! Just like I do with Paul.

J

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August 26, 2015

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chicken and pepper pizza vs goat cheese, spinach and mushroom pizza

Before I get started with my quick tale of two pizzas, I just want make a quick plea. Listen carefully. If you’re on facebook and your finger is about to click the mouse button to share a picture with some trite homespun bit of wisdom, take a moment. Think about what you’re posting. If it’s in Comic Sans, it’ll be bollocks. If it ends ‘97% of my friends won’t share it but TRUE FRIENDS WILL’ then don’t do it. If you actually think there’s some poor little bugger sat in a cancer ward somewhere with doctors standing busily counting likes on a facebook status, with the chemotherapy drugs collecting dust in the corner until a post gets over one million likes, then you’re an actual moron and should be shot with shitty shite.

I raise this because I logged onto facebook before and was confronted with a picture of what looked like a xylophone with a dog’s head on it and turned out to be something even worse – a starved and beaten dog. It was horrific and upsetting and I reacted the same way any decent human being would do by recoiling in disgust. The accompanying caption read ‘SHARE IF YOU ARE AGAINST ANIMAL CRULTY (sic) OR IGNORE IF YOU LOVE IT’.

I mean, what a bloody thing to come out with. First of all, if I was a lover of animal abuse, I don’t think I’d nail my colours to the mast (probably using a dog to bang the nails in) by announcing it on Facebook by actively deciding not to share something. Secondly, it’s an abhorrent thing to use such a shocking photo just to get more likes on a status. It’s like those chain letters that people used to get their clappers in a froth over way back when, only more sinister. Consider that before you share dross and put your friends in a difficult position.

Oh and whilst we’re on the topic of facebook again, if you happen to notice that your profile name contains anything other than your own bloody name, then send yourself to the foot of the stairs and have a think about what you’ve done.

Tonight’s recipe is a comparison – we were given a Musclefood pizza to try (chicken and pepper) as part of our smorgasbord of treats to take for a spin. The idea of pizza on Slimming World is enough to make anyone’s legs quiver, but realistically, you can’t have a ‘decent’ pizza unless you really blow your syns. However, this comes close to being acceptable and I’ll tell you why in a moment. But fear not: because I’m an impartial, generous guy – and also because I didn’t want to share my pizza with Paul, I made an alternative pizza-esque creation which is syn free and equally delicious. So you can make your mind up!

Musclefood chicken pizza

This is the Musclefood pizza, available here. It’s 10.5 syns for the whole pizza and actually isn’t bad! I was expecting something akin to sucking on a square of carpet but no, it tasted like a decent, thin-crust pizza. I’d cheerfully recommend hoying a couple in the freezer and then when you’re desperate for a bit of fast food, give them a whirl. They weren’t cheap with the meat, either. You need to understand that isn’t going to be the same as Dominos, and if you’re like us and when the pizza craving hits you need a pizza the size of a combine harvester’s tyre and more cheese on it than a tramp’s toe, this isn’t going to completely satisfy that itch. But if the ten syns stops you spending forty…

Remember, Musclefood are running a promotion for £144 worth of lean meat for £75. Can’t get vexed at that!

Of course, you can make your own – and I’ve come up with a syn-free version that you can wrap your bristly lips around. See?IMG_1919

 

to make our syn-free pizza, you’ll need:

  • one WW (boo hiss) Love Fibre wholemeal wraps (look for the purple and blue packaging, as you can use this wrap as a HEB)
  • a good handful of spinach
  • a good handful of baby mushrooms
  • 30g of goats cheese
  • half a freshly grated clove of garlic 
  • quark
  • caramelised onions (you’ll find my recipe for those right here!) or, if you can’t be fucked on making those (although it’s totally worth it), just some thinly sliced red onion

to put it all together:

  • thinly slice the mushrooms and drop them into a dry frying pan to let them sweat down
  • add the spinach towards the end and wilt it down
  • take enough quark to cover the wrap and add grated garlic, then spread it over the wrap
  • add dollops of the jam or the red onion, small cubes of the goats cheese, then the spinach, then the mushrooms
  • pop under the grill until the cheese has melted 
  • stuff it down your gob

Listen, you can chuck any old tut onto this pizza. Don’t like mushrooms? FINE. Use chicken. It’s just that easy.

I’m off to watch Bake Off and feel sad that I can’t EAT EVERYTHING.

J

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March 3, 2015

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american, bacon, beef, beef mince, fakeaways, italian, low syn, pizza, pork, recipe card, taster ideas

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bacon cheeseburger pizza

I very nearly became a Slimming World consultant, you know.

I say very nearly, it was as near as most of my other fleeting fancies, but I made the effort to make contact, drop in my details, attempt to find out more. I had plenty of cold hard cash ready to be handed over gladly to Magic Margaret and her Synning Sisters but alas, despite chasing three times, I got one phone call which was rearranged and then totally ignored. Ah well. Part of me remains disappointed because I think I’ve got the sassy people skills to really get a group moving. But most of me thinks that my money (well, our money) is better off in my pocket and that’s that.

I’ve been going to Slimming World classes on and off for over ten years now, and they’ve never changed. Which is clearly a good thing, because the results speak for themselves and I’ve been lucky – I’ve never been to a bad class. Actually, tell a fib, yes I have – I had to sit through twenty minutes where the class gave advice to someone with piles – what best to eat for soft poo. Plus, if you get a boring consultant, the class drags something chronic, although I haven’t had one of those in a long, long time. I did have some great ideas – Paul stepping in as my Debbie McGee in a glittery bikini on the payment counter, a wheel of fortune to win something decent other than a banana that fell off the side of the ark and a Mugshot, interactive recipes…the works. But it wasn’t to be.

The reason I’m bumbling on about classes is because of our recent decision to move to a different class – it’s primarily so that we can stay to class as I feel we get a lot more out of it, not least because I get to blabber on about recipes and make smutty jokes. When we get weighed and go out the door, we almost lose a sense of responsibility – that although we are following the diet, we’re only paying lip service to it. So, we needed to find a class that works for us in terms of times, and although ironically we have managed to miss tonight’s because of a late finish at work, Tuesday evening will be our new weigh-in.

Finally, as an aside, I made a post in a FB SW group about people not being able to say please or thank you. It’s always the same – some blurry, off-brand yoghurt thrust too far to the lens on their phone with a comment like ‘HOW MANI SINS’ and it does my nut in. I’ll personally help anyone if I have the time, but I can’t bear bad manners. Thankfully, and somewhat reassuringly, most people have weighed in with complete agreement, with only the odd little dolt kicking up a stink at someone having the temerity to ask for manners. Well. The day I take criticism who has Inside Soap listed as a ‘favourite book’ on their facebook page is the day I shut my bollocks in a car-door. MANNERS MAKETH THE MAN.

Tell you what else maketh the man? Meat. And pizza. And cheeseburger. Well, look at this for goodness sake. You might as well jog on if you’re one of those people who won’t use syns on their dinner, despite THAT BEING EXACTLY what they are for…!

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so, to make bacon cheeseburger pizza:

This is six syns for a quarter, but it makes a big pizza, and served with chips will fill the hole nicely. Put it this way, if you were to have a big pizza from Dominos, you’d be racking up syns in the sixties and seventies. Treat this as a treat…

ingredients for the crust: 125g of strong white bread flour, a packet of yeast (7g), 75ml of lukewarm water and a pinch of salt

ingredients for the topping: use a HEA for each of you – so 65g of mozzarella is one HEA, and 40g of grated light cheddar is the other. You’ll also need lean mince (5% or under), gherkin slices and a few medallions of bacon. Hoy some chilli flakes on too.

recipe (which I’m going to split into bullet points from now on for this blog – step by step):

  • make the crust – put the flour into a mixing bowl or a stand mixer, add yeast on one side, salt on the other, water in the middle and knead it together using your hands (wash them first, I know where they’ve been) or a dough hook (infinitely easier). When you have a big lump, stop, cover the bowl in cling film and leave it to prove for an hour or so;
  • prepare the toppings – grate your cheese, fry off your mince in a tiny drop of oil and some onion powder, fry off your bacon and cut into strips, cut your gherkins, do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight;
  • stretch your dough, hoy some tomato puree over it, add cheese, add mince, gherkins, tomatoes if you want them, bit more cheese, bacon;
  • cook in the oven for twenty minutes and serve with chips.

Tasty!

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January 20, 2015

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fakeaways, low syn, pizza, pork, pork joints, recipe card, slow cooker

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pulled pork, sauteed leeks and mature cheese pizza

It’s time for my weekly hello and welcome to our new readers (and old) (well not old, various ages) (shush) – hope you enjoy the blog! Comments always take a while to be approved as I have the age-old problem of working during the day but I’ll always get to them in the end. Anyway, as welcoming as I’m being, I’m in a foul mood. Why? Well…

I know I’ve twittered on about driving a lot lately but it does cause ever so much of the rage I have swirling around in me like violent, piss-coloured clouds. For example, every day I join the A1, and every single day I conscientiously allow someone in front of me at the congested slip-road at Seaton Burn, exactly like you’re supposed to. Almost every bloody day the driver in front never acknowledges the fact I’ve slowed to let them in, and most of the time, you can see their oily face illuminated by their phone as they merge whilst checking Facebook. I wish they’d amend the Highway Code to make it legal to carry cement blocks in the passenger seat, and for me to launch said brick through their back window and stot it off the back of their heads. It really makes me fizz!

Mind, there’s one thing worse than that and that’s arseholes who don’t indicate, which I know everyone moans about, but it makes me grind my teeth into an enamel mist. If I’m tootling along merrily overtaking people and some barely functioning addlepate – almost exclusively in a spotlessly clean white Range Rover, company-paid-for Vauxhall Insignia or a spunk coloured Seat Mii driven recklessly – pulls in front of me, I can actually feel my eyes push my glasses down my nose as they’re bulging so much. Of course I immediately spend 10 minutes doing highly theatrical hand gestures like I’m guiding a plane to an airport gate in the pitch black, but it never soothes me. Someone actually shrugged their shoulders and did a ‘BUT WHAT CAN I DO’ expression with their hands. At a time like that, the only rational thing would be to accelerate my car through their back window, but sadly, the law is against me.

I feel better for typing that, actually – even though I had to restart halfway through as Sola climbed onto my keyboard to show me her teats and hit the backspace key, moving my page back. Bitch – I reckon it’s another one of her classic passive-aggressive moves, like licking my face in the morning until I wake up and then immediately turning around and showing me her pencil-sharpener blinking in the dawn sunlight.

Anyway, enough talk about my cat’s bumhole. Here is the true star of the show – pulled pork, leek and cheese pizza. You know you want it, you filthy bugger.

cheese, pulled pork and leek pizza

leftovers recipe! oh how exciting, I’ve never used that tag before. Remember me waffling on about rollover meals – where you can make another meal from the leftovers of another? Well this little beauty can be made from any leftover pulled pork from this recipe and any leftover dough from this recipe. In fact, that’s something you could get in the habit of doing – making double the amount of dough and freezing half, and keeping some pork frozen in the freezer for just this occasion!

to make pulled pork, sauteed leeks and mature cheese pizza, you’ll need:

ingredients: assuming you have the dough and the pork, you only need your healthy extra portion of mature cheese and a leek! Oh and tomato puree. Obviously.

to make pulled pork, sauteed leeks and mature cheese pizza, you should:

recipe: slice up your leeks. I use this mandolin slicer (Amazon) which stops my poor fingers getting shredded (and you can use it for other things too, and it’s reduced to under a tenner). Put in a pan, tiny bit of water and salt, put lid on, and steam them until they’re softer than your first stool. Yum, right? Slap that dough down on the work surface, stretch it, add the puree, add the pulled pork, add the leeks, add the cheese and then add heat for fifteen minutes. Serve with chips and that smug feeling that you’ve saved some money.

I’m not kidding when I say this has to be one of the nicest fucking pizzas I’ve ever made. To hell with the syns. The picture doesn’t do it justice but if I zoomed in any more it looks like a scabby knee.

extra-easy: yep! The base is 22 syns. Don’t be put off by having to spend your syns, this looks amazing and tastes great. Remember – if the food looks good, it’s half the battle. I know I always say it but listen damnit.

J

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January 17, 2015

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fakeaways, low syn, lunch, pizza, recipe card, taster ideas, vegetarian

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rainbow pizza: well, I promised you something camp!

Anyone heard of Nightowls, the local radio talk show in the North East?

I’ve listened to it on and off for the last eighteen years, thinking I was dead hard staying up to midnight listening on my tiny radio when I was twelve and using it as a sleeping aid even now at 29. Alan remains great, but the show itself has turned to arse because it’s filled with simpletons ringing in. There’s still a couple of regular callers worth listening out for but the rest is bobbins – mainly people calling in because they’ve had their photos developed, seen blue cigarette smoke wisping around from under the camera and declaring they’ve seen a ghost. If it’s not that, it’s people ringing up singing in one key only or octogenerians discussing their various health maladies ‘EEE ALAN IT WER POURIN’ OUT LIKE OXTAIL SOUP EEE ALAN YES ALAN’ and the like.

Weirdly though, he really did used to be must-listen radio, and he’d spend a good fifteen minutes with each caller chatting through proper issues to do with the North East and politics and the like. Even I called up a few times, and he gave me the nickname Jittery James because I stuttered the first time I was on. Bastard. He was that ‘big’ in the local area that he used to hold roadshows during the day – a few of us back in the day went along to a local one to see what free stuff we could get and he threw a signed Toploader CD at me which stotted off the middle of my forehead. I mean, I fucking hate Toploader at the best of time, but that sealed the deal. Luckily, no scar, because if I’d had Dancing in the Moonlight scarred onto my face I’d have topped myself.

Anyway, I had no trouble getting off to sleep last night, and that’s possibly because I was knackered making this…!

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Yup – the campest pizza in the world (which totally needs a better name). Depending on where you sit with veggies, it might not look too appetising, but it was bloody lovely – the dough makes a pizza big enough for eight slices, and weighs in at a very reasonable 3 syns a slice. Plus, look at all that superfree…

to make a rainbow pizza, you’ll need:

ingredients: for the dough – 125g strong white bread flour, 7g sachet of yeast, 75ml of warm water and a teaspoon of salt. Sauce is tomato puree with mixed herbs added in. 65g of reduced fat grated mozzarella cheese (HEA). For the topping:

  • red – sliced cooked red peppers from a jar (in brine) or just cut up a red pepper;
  • orange – rapture cherry tomatoes from Tesco, but you can find orange tomatoes all over – cut into quarters;
  • yellow – yellow pepper, cut into cubes;
  • green – brocolli florets cut tiny and boiled for a minute to soften – don’t overboil though, they’ll lose their colour;
  • purple – pickled red cabbage (syn-free) drained and shook to dry it out
  • black – olives – eight black olives is a syn, but you’ll use that on the entire pizza

You could easily add ham as the red layer if you wanted meat but actually, the mix of veg works so, so well you don’t need to bother!

to make a rainbow pizza, you should:

recipe: dough – if you’re using a stand mixer with a dough hook like us,  this bit is really easy. Put the flour into the middle, yeast on one side, salt on the other, make a well in the middle and add the water. Mix on medium until it all comes together in a ball and starts slapping the sides. Remove the bowl, cover in cling film and leave to prove in the bowl somewhere warm for an hour or so. If you don’t have a mixer, do the mixing by hand, and feel good about yourself because that’s pure body magic right there.

Spend the hour prepping your veg and then once the dough has doubled (although if it doesn’t double, don’t worry, ours didn’t and still tasted good) roll it out on the side (you might want to flour your worktop or use polenta – top tip) (but count the syns – 4 and a half syns for the polenta if you use 25g, but you won’t, so maybe add one an extra syn for the entire pizza), spread with the puree, chuck the cheese on top (if there is two of you, double up the cheese, you get 65g each!) and then layer the veg on. Don’t worry about how it looks but, like most of us, the prettier the better! Cook for twenty minutes (check after fifteen) on 180degrees and when cooked and crunchy, serve up! We served ours with actifry chips. Tasty!

extra-easy: yep! The base is 22 syns – but makes a pizza big enough for eight slices, which by the time you’ve added on the olives and a tiny bit of polenta, I reckon comes to 24 syns – three syns a slice, and it’s absolutely worth it. Don’t be put off by having to spend your syns, this looks amazing and tastes great. If your kids won’t eat vegetables and caning their arse hasn’t worked, try this! Remember – if the food looks good, it’s half the battle.

Enjoy – I’m off to walk dogs!

Note: this recipe originally said 175g of flour thanks to a slip of my fat fingers – it should, of course, read 125g. Amended! Thanks to Gavin for the tip!

J