no regrets: proper pizza bianca

Here for the pizza bianca but upset by the lack of Rickaaaay jokes? Understandable.

Now, we’ve been stuck for things to write about lately so we thought we’d throw the blog open to some random questions. Our readers came up with…well, see below. Paul is going to be answering for a change – try not to split your bean from buttering it so much.

National Express or MEGABUS?

Coaches are universally crap – you cannot have a good experience on one. That’s a fact. Saying that, I had the best nights’ sleep I’ve ever had on a Megabus from Portsmouth to Newcastle when I was canoodling with James, so that’d be the winner (plus can’t really get vexed for a quid, can you?). He ruined it a bit when he shot his bolt over the back of the seat into the darkness (half-empty bus, it was fine) – what can I say, we were in love at the time.

Are you the giver or the taker?

Giver! But only because of laziness. I can’t be arsed with all the prep that goes into being the garage. Plus, I’ve wrecked my arse with years of Dulcolax abuse trying to chase that Slimmer of the Week basket of fermenting fruit. James is both and it’s to his eternal chagrin that the tunnel never opens.

Have either of you ever been with a woman?

Nah. It has literally never, ever crossed my mind to even consider it. James often says he has but I’m not too sure, he recoils at bras in Asda but that could be down to bad memories from his sports bra at school.

Top 5 celebrities you would invite to your dinner party (dead or alive – *doesn’t have to include Pete burns 😂*) 

  1. Jeremy Corbyn – a genuinely decent bloke, plus I reckon he’s got some right filthy stories about Diane Abbott
  2. Michael Barrymore – pre-current miserable state, though. Only if he was peppy/coked-up like in the Strike it Lucky days. I’d definitely be a top, middle AND a bottom in that situation.
  3. Bianca Del Rio – for sheer hilarity
  4. Debbie McGee – she’s genuinely a dead funny, dippy person in real life and a right scream – and we could get to the bottom of those dog rumours
  5. Tracy Chapman – my favourite singer. She can sing us a lovely tune at the end when we’re all pissed up.

SERIOUS INTERJECTION FROM JAMES:

TRACY CHAPMAN IS NOT A GOOD SINGER. I’D RATHER LISTEN TO AN AUTO-TUNED FANNY-FART THAN THAT WHINGEING BAG.

Favourite sexual position?

Whatever means I don’t get a sore back or muscle cramp and takes the least amount of effort.

Would you rather penis sized nipples or nipple sized penis

What kind of bloody question is this?!?!

Do you ever feel like jacking this page in ?

Nah! Sometimes you do think that life would be easier without having to deal with people arguing over nowt in the group but honestly, we have so much fun with it I couldn’t imagine life without it. Plus the blog pays for James’ cigars, booze and expensive jacket collection. I make do with a crust of bread and a glass of water for dipping.

Would you like to have kids and be daddies?

Nah. I love kids and they love me and I like looking after them for short periods, but once they start screaming/crying/whinging/shitting then the fun ends and you can have them straight back, thank-you-very-much. We’re both altogether too selfish for kids. A disposable income warms your heart and gives you more love than a snotty ball of grass-stained kids ever could. Sorry not sorry. James is terrible with babies anyway – he handles them like you might handle a pan full of hot oil as someone reversed a car at you.

Someone suggested we do a swirl (saw it on Modern Family) where we both yankee-doodle into a cup and then neither of us would know who the dad is. Which is a nonsense, because if he grew up to be a barely literate socially awkward raging homo, he’d be my child. If he grew up to be a barely literate socially awkward raging homo with a sassy mouth, he’d be James’. Either way, he’d be doomed to a life of cry-wanks and endless health anxiety.

What’s the most outrageous fetish either of you have ever tried?

As a young ‘un I was having a ‘fling’ with an older man that’d satisfy my cider and Golden Virginia needs. Out of the blue he asked me to fart on him and pulled out a tin of Aldi beans. It was so surreal. Did absolutely nothing for me at all except made me gip, but I got money out of it sooooooo.

Whereas James pooed on someone for £200. OR DID HE *WAVY MYSTERIOUS LINES*

Any near death experiences?

I accidentally cut through the cable of a hedge trimmer when I was about 13 (sorry dad) when I was pissing about with it. Called 999 because I panicked so much and got a telling off for it because I wasn’t actually dying or in any danger. Other than that – nah.

James – I nearly drowned twice on holiday. Once I’ve documented in here where my mum and dad gave us a ropey pedalo, put us in a river in a deep gorge and sent us on our merry way, where we promptly capsized and were rescued by two German tourists as my parents lounged on the beach in a fug of Lambert and Butler smoke. Second time – and you’ll spot a theme – we were on a giant loch in Scotland. Other kids had nice canoes or fun toys, we had an bright yellow inflatable boat my dad had found on the beach. Never did work out what the PAN-AM 103 on the side meant. Anyway my sister and I paddled merrily out in the middle of this loch only to find the reason the boat had been left was because of a slow leak. We set about drowning and were only saved by another family who dashed in to pull us ashore.

Not all bad though. My parents were so relieved and wracked with guilt that they let us play with the bleach under the sink for the rest of the night. Good times were had by all.

That’ll do it for the Q&A for now. James’ turn next. We’ve got a friggin’ no regrets pizza to post – remember, our no regrets series is food that is high in syns but bloody worth it.

pizza bianca

pizza bianca

no regrets pizza bianca

Prep

Cook

Total

Yield 2 10" pizzas

Pizza bianca - it's topped with ginger and when you shut it in the oven, it screams because the silver puffa jacket catches ahad. You can reduce the syns of course by changing up the topping but really, it's the dough that is the star of the show here. Enjoy!

Each 10" pizza is 45 syns, but worth every bite!

Ingredients

for the dough

  • 250g plain flour (40 syns)
  • 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, divided (12 syns)
  • 180ml lukewarm water
  • 1 tsp dried active yeast
  • 1½ tsp salt

for the pizza

  • 225g grated mozzarella (38½ syns)
  • 180g ricotta (2x HeA)
  • 1 clove garlic minced
  • pinch red pepper flakes
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • fresh basil leaves
  • 60g grated parmesan (2x HeA)

Instructions

  • pour the water into your mixing bowl and sprinkle over the yeast - give it a few minutes until it's dissolved
  • mix in the flour and salt until you get floury, shaggy dough - or do what we did and chuck it all in a stand mixer with a kneading hook
  • knead for a good five minutes by slapping it out and pushing it with the ball of your hand - come on, you've seen sleb chefs do this, you know how it is
  • chuck back into the bowl, drizzle over 1 tbsp of the olive oil and cover with cling film and leave it for an hour or so in a warm place until it's risen
  • slap the dough out divide into two balls (or keep as one if you want one enormous pizza)
  • stretch or roll into pizzas as thick or as thin as you like
  •  preheat the oven to as hot as it'll go (no joke)
  • sprinkle over the mozzarella over the pizza bases,
  • mix together the ricotta, chilli flakes and garlic and dollop onto the pizzas 
  • spread out the basil leaves and sprinkle with the parmesan
  • slide onto a baking sheet and bake in the oven for 10-15 minutes until golden and bubbling
  • leave to cool for a few minutes, slice and serve!

Courses pizza

Cuisine twochubbycubs

Wanting a pizza the action (sorry) but worried your consultant will punch you on the boob if you eat something like this? Well ignore that feeling of doubt, you’re better than that. But if you must compromise, we have some great pizza recipes!

Yes!

J

(PS: I really did, easy money)

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