Grilled steak gyros. On Slimming World, if you don’t mind. I love Greek food, whether it’s these gyros, dolmades or some hot bronzed DILF demanding he makes me his woman. I’ll cope, papi. Lift my dress up out of the dirt, though. I’m going to warn you for a second: the next paragraphs contain some graphic raunch references. Scroll straight to the pictures if you’re the type of person who clutches at her pearls when she
But first, indulge me for a moment, would you? I want to talk about men’s bodies. Now you might think I’m going for the obvious route of leering, given I spend 45% of my time with my neck canted at 75 degrees trying to grab a quick look at the package of those chavs who wear grey trackie bottoms. I swear, I’m like an owl when I walk past Sports Direct in the morning. An owl with a very pale face.
Lots (rightly) gets made about women and how they struggle with body confidence, but let’s hear it for the lads, eh? The amount of posts I see in our facebook group where men are down on their looks depresses the hell out of me.
I know there’s loads of pressure on women to look good – of course there is – but do you ever notice the male stereotype that always gets bandied around? Big arms, but not too big. No loose skin. No belly, and if there is a belly, it’s hidden behind a bar or a bench (look at every Slimming World magazine!). Strong jaw with white teeth and a perfectly preened beard. It’s all so…bland and safe and boring. But I see men chasing this false ideal body and it’s such a waste.
One thing I’ve learned since I stopped giving a toss about my body and well, showing it off in various places which I’m not talking about here, is that there’s a jar for every lid. Literally, in my case. Plenty of folks out there will like you for you – your ‘problem zone’ is someone else’s splash-patch. Belly cascading out in front of you like a balloon of mottled trex? That’s someone’s pillow, that is. Bingo wings? Somewhere to dab your knob off after sex.
Paul and I are creepy – we always smile nicely at big lads – well Paul smiles, I leer lasciviously and lick my lips at them like the Childcatcher. What can I say, I’m a sucker for men in Jacamo outlet shirts. We like to think that it makes a bloke happy to get some attention, though we pick our targets. We might dilate at the thought of a roadworker with a mean streak, a broken nose and gnarled rough hands, but I don’t like having to pick my teeth off the floor after a blowjob. No, we pick those men with dumpy wee bellies, office-haircuts and (sorry ladies) wives fussing about in the supermarket. We’re homowreckers.
What am I trying to say with all of this? Men, if you’re out there, don’t be hung up about your looks. No need to try and aspire to some muscle god – the best looking men are those who are confident in their bodies and who wear it well without giving a monkey’s jot what they look like. Confidence: 100% sexy. And here’s the thing – if you have a partner or a husband or even just a buddy who is down on his looks, take a moment to tell him how fabulous he is.
Oh, and give him our numbers. We’re as indiscriminate as amyl-scented nerve gas.
I know that’s a very pat solution to a complicated confidence issue but honestly. Men. Get over yourselves.
The gyros, then…
Looks like your clopper, that does.
Looks like your gash, that does.
grilled steak gyros
Yield 6 servings
Have yourself a Shirley Valentine moment and just imagine some hairy, Greek studmuffin sliding this in front of you, and then sliding himself in to you. Yeah, you like that, don't you?
- 6 Tesco folded flatbreads (30 syns)
- 2 sirloin steaks
- 1 onion, sliced into 1cm thick rings
- 2 tbsp olive oil (12 syns)
- 3 cloves of garlic, minced
- 1 tsp dried oregano
- ½ tsp paprika
- 125g fat-free greek style yoghurt
- 1 green pepper, deseeded and cut into thin rings
- 12 cherry tomatoes, halved
- 4 small handfuls of rocket
- in a large bowl, mix together the oil, garlic, oregano and paprika - pour one tbsp of the mix into a separate bowl with the yoghurt and mix well - that will make your sauce
- add the onion and green pepper to the oil mix and toss, then gently remove with a slotted spoon
- chuck in the steak and rub in as much of the marinade as is left
- cook the steak to your liking, then remove from the pan and slice
- add the onion and green pepper to the same pan and cook for a few minutes until starting to brown and caramelise
- remove from the pan and finally add the flatbreads and cook for a minute or two each side, then remove from the pan
- fold out the flatbreads and top each with a bit of rocket, then the steak slices, followed by the tomatoes and a drizzle of sauce
- this makes six gyros - one is enough for one person if you're having something with it like chips! if it's for fewer than six people just use one flatbread for each person and stuff more filling in - we won't tell
- if the syn values of those flatbreads are giving you the willies you could use pitta breads instead if you really wanted to, or even a wrap if you're pious
- we actually forgot to sear our flatbreads in the pan - you shouldn't, it makes them taste nicer!
- any steak will do for this - it doesn't need to be fancy. We used sirloin from Muscle Food
- a griddle pan is excellent for this to get the nice charmarks, or even better a Tefal Optigrill which is what we used - just press the 'steak' button
- slice the onions quickly with a Mandolin slicer - just watch your fingers if you're a clumsy twat like me and always use the guard
- same with garlic - use a microplane grater to mince it in seconds!
- don't be tempted to leave out the oil - it makes it so much nicer!
- don't like rocket? Any leafy salad will do
Want more in your wrap? Sure:
- chicken doner kebab wraps (syn free)
- bbq chicken wraps (syn free)
- grilled chicken tikka wraps (1 syn)
- mcdonald’s style crispy chicken wraps (1.5 syns)
- chicken caesar wraps (3 syns)
Remember lads: tits out!