Well hello there! The girthburger awaits! We always get such a flood of new people joining in the New Year, and we can both absolutely sympathise. You’ve had an amazing Christmas but you’re getting out of breath wiping your bum and you have realised that things need to change. A bidet wouldn’t go with your bathroom so it’s time to lose weight. Bridget Jones once said that New Year’s Day is the worst time to make your resolutions and start your new life because everyone is still buzzing on nicotine, drugs, stranger’s semen (just us?), alcohol and good food, and I’m inclined to agree with her. It is pointless. So we’re starting tomorrow, even if new recipes are kicking off today.

Because there’s lots of new people, just a boring bit of housekeeping – I’ll keep it to bullet points though so it’s nice and short. If you’ve got the attention span of a gnat, click on this carrot to jump straight to the recipe.

Where were we? Ah yes:

• we’re 100% not Slimming World consultants – we’ve been members for nearly nine years and have spent so much money buying Slimming World books and magazines that we ought to be listed as shareholders on Companies House – we always check the syns online but if you’re ever unsure, check them yourself and if you have any further SW questions, speak to one of their excellent consultants;

• along similar lines, we’re definitely not your average slimming / diet blog – I can’t bear 99% of food blogs out there. I hate all the cutesy-poo flowery language, I hate all the patronising U CAN DO IT!!!11 guff and I hate the fact that so many blogs out there advertise syn-free crap but only if you buy sweeteners from XYZ company and agar agar from ABC online. We’re not like that. We don’t soak our blog in adverts, we don’t spam people, we don’t bullshit and we don’t sugarcoat, not least because if we did sugarcoat our words, you greedy fuckers would only eat them;

• that said, we do recommend Musclefood meat and get paid for doing so – but let me tell you this – the second they start going shite. we won’t use them. We recommend their products because we actually eat them. The same goes with the Amazon product we sometimes recommend in our recipes – if you buy them, we get a small bit of cashback, and that’s what keeps the blog going. If we don’t own the item we don’t recommend it, it’s as simple as that. We’re 100% open and honest here at 2CC – we’re not going to push a recipe just to get money;

• our food is made with proper ingredients and we’re not afraid to use a few syns for a meal – that’s what they’re there for. It’s rare that we go above four syns though, so we’re hardly talking gutbusters; and

• most recipes have a bit of waffle beforehand if something funny has happened or if I just fancy being gobby – just scroll down to the recipe if blue language and coarse humour offends you. Sending me a message telling me not to swear is never going to end well!

I think that covers everything! If you’re looking for all of our recipes, you can find them here. A humourous guide to Slimming World can be found here. All of our Musclefood deals are on one handy page right here. There’s a bit about the two fat blokes who run the blog right here. We’re on Twitter, we have a facebook page with 130,000 folks following and a facebook group (which is sadly full at the moment!). Ah and we have three books out – not recipe books, Mags would sulk, but rather two books of all our blog entries and another about our honeymoon in Florida. Click here for those – it’s worth it just to see what filth we get included with! All done! Here’s to a good year.

The burger then. Well christ, look at the bloody clip of it. It’s our response to all those towering monstrosities that you get in fancy burger joints these days. About eight hundred thousand of these places opened in Newcastle last year alone – I want to go (there’s just something appealing to me about cramming so much meat between two buttered buns) but I’m always worried that I’m going to have a heart attack mid-meal. At least at home I have Paul who knows his way around mouth to mouth.

The burger is syn free until you slather it in mustard and ketchup which weigh in at 1 syn per tablespoon. As the amount you put on is up to you, you’ll need to syn accordingly.

The recipe below is for one person (i.e it makes one burger with two patties inside) – just scale up as needed.

to make the girthburger you will need:

• 360g lean (5%) minced beef
• 2 bacon medallions (you get both the mince and bacon in our meat deals from Musclefood!)
• 1 wholemeal bap (1x HeB)
• 2 slices of Low Low Red Reduced Fat Cheese (1x HeA)
• 1 large gherkin, sliced (use this to make the job easier!)
• half a brown onion, diced
• pinch of salt
• pinch of black pepper
• 1 tbsp tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp mustard
• few slices of red onion

to make the girthburger you should:

• add the diced onion to a small saucepan, add a splash of oil and a pinch of salt
• stir, cover and cook over a medium-low heat and cook for about 40 minutes, until caramelised (stir every 15-20 minutes or so)
• meanwhile, roll the mince into two balls and slap out onto a square of greaseproof paper
• gently push down on top of the balls with one hand whilst cupping the edge, to make a burger shape
• keep shaping and squashing until you end up with two burgers that are about ½cm thick – they might look massive, but that’s what you want!
• in a small frying pan, dry-fry the bacon medallions over a high heat until crispy, slice in half lengthwise then set aside
• toast each side of the wholemeal bun under the grill and then top with the sliced gherkins
• add the tomato sauce and mustard
• heat a large frying pan over a high heat and add a little oil, switch the grill on too (on high) at this point for later on
• add the burgers to the pan (don’t overcrowd the pan – do it in batches if you need to) and sprinkle on the salt and pepper
• cook each burger for one minute, then flip and cook for another minute, then flip again
• spread over some of the caramelised onion and cook for another minute (the burgers should cook for three minutes in total)
• remove the burgers from the pan and transfer to the grill pan
• top with a slice of cheese and the strips of bacon and put under the grill on the highest shelf and grill just until the cheese has melted
• stack the burgers on top of each other on the bap, add some sliced onion and enjoy!

if you love burgers as much as we do, give these other recipes a try!

• the beastburger – at only 5 syns, this is our biggest burger ever!
• pork and apple burgers with blue cheese – for when you’re feeling extra classy
• veggie ploughman’s burger – the vegetarians don’t need to miss out!
• zesty salmon burger – for when you fancy something a little different
• larb burger – perfect for an SP day or if you don’t want to use your bread!
• reuben burger – if you feel like having a classic
• twochubbycubs zinger tower burger – for when you can’t get the colonel out your mind

Don’t forget, we’ve got over 400 other recipes just waiting for you! click one of the buttons below to find something else that might tickle your fancy…

   

Happy new year, all!

J

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