Just a quick email to you all to draw your attention to our latest competition – this time to win an Instant Pot Vortex! If you’re on Instagram, simply click on the post below, follow the rules and be in with a chance to win.
It’s £99 worth of kit and it goes without saying but we bloody love Instant Pot – they’re perfect for if you’re trying to lose weight and/or save money, because the things they can do with a slab of cheap meat would make even you blush. The Vortex is their take on an air-fryer so you can do your chips and roasties in there, and of course there’s a whole load of recipes available online. You can take a look at their website right here!
We are trying to organise as many competitions as we can at the moment to try and give back a little – plus we can’t very well have an Instant Pot in our tiny little hotel room, we’ve barely got enough room to wrestle as it is. They already think we’re quarrelling as I have the beginnings of a black eye and naturally when asked about it I’ve taken to saying that Paul and I are fighting as I’ve taken another lover into the marital bed. In reality, I’ve got a sore eyelid, but that’s not quite as salacious now is it?
Good luck everyone!
Want some Instant Pot recipes? No bother cock – fill yer boots:
Rhubarb and ice-cream, if you don’t mind. But first, we have a competition to announce, but you’re going to have to be QUICK.
Too blurry for you? Judgemental cow. We want recipes! But – and this is important – you must provide two high-quality photos like the ones we use in the blog. Have a scroll through our blog and you can see what I mean. I don’t want a pile of cat-sick served on your best Matalan Le Gusset plates, I don’t want photos of your crotchfruit in the background and if it looks like something that might adorn a tablecloth in a church hall and be pawed at by women with more hair on their knuckles than I have on my arse-cheeks, that’ll also be a no. Aim for food that would be served with love, not endured with reservations.
A few simple guidelines:
- we don’t use Frylight or Quark, because we’re not insane and/or sponsored by Frylight – you can, but we will adapt your recipe accordingly;
- please don’t be afraid to use your syns – we will always favour proper food over ‘let’s race to zero syns’ nonsense;
- please have a cursory glance through our recipe page to see if we’ve already done it – you can find it here
- please don’t fret if you’re not a strong writer – that’s my job, I’ll tart you up!
Every published recipe gets a new entry. And let’s be honest, you love an easy entry!
We also want stories! You know how we write about 600 words before each recipe? Let’s hear your side of things. Everyone has a story and if there’s one thing I’ve learned since moderating a group consisting mainly of women, aged 30-49, medium prolapse (thank you facebook stats), is that you love to gab. So do it! If you’ve got something important to say, this is your chance. Write it under a false name. Send it to me in crayon, I don’t care. One thing though: as mentioned above, please don’t feel as though you need to be crass to be funny. It takes a certain lack of wit to force as many gay sex puns into a story as I do, trust me, and you’re better than that.
Submit your entries by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org – if you’re successful, and mind our bar for entries is low – you’ll be entered into a draw to win a box with £75 of stuff in it. It’ll be good stuff – nonsense, but good. The runner up prize will be £25 worth of something good from Amazon. Though let’s be honest, the main prize is the sheer thrill of knowing you’re making the world a better place.
Now, to sweeten the deal, here’s an incredibly easy dessert idea. It’s nothing flash, but nor are you, and we still love you.
rhubarb and ice-cream with ginger nuts
Yield 4 servings
Listen, are we even going to call this a recipe? Yes! Rhubarb and ice-cream with ginger nuts! People always want new ideas and this couldn't be simpler, and I like it because it's an interesting mix of textures, heat and tastes.
- 500g of rhubarb (2 syns when cooked, if you choose to syn it, which we don't)
- 400ml of Halo Top vanilla (12 syns)
- 4 ginger nuts (10 syns)
Split between four very large portions, this comes out at 5.5 syns, which is nothing for a good dessert!
- chop up your rhubarb, cook it with a tiny splash of water over a low heat until it has stewed - I like it sour, but feel free to put a few drops of honey in there (but don't forget you've got ice-cream going on top)
- plate it up - hot rhubarb, cold ice-cream, crushed ginger nuts
Yum! Not fancying rhubarb and ice-cream with ginger nuts? Try these dessert ideas:
Remember me prattling on a month or so ago about a competition – that I’d hide several people in my food photos and when there were 10 or so, I’d launch a competition? Well, like I say to Paul when he’s been an especially good lad (made my tea, rubbed my feet, put the hoover away with the cord wrapped up properly), it’s time for you to enter. There are eleven (I counted!) faces hidden in various blog posts going back to the beginning of April – all you need to do is find them and submit their names using the form below. I’ve also asked that you join our Facebook page but the little gizmo below makes it easy! Please DON’T leave the answers in the comments below, or I’ll smack yer arse quicker than Mags herself would if she saw you mashing a banana.
Now listen – I’ve said this in the terms and conditions but I wanted to reiterate it here. I write this blog for two reasons – because I’m an incredibly vain person who loves nothing more than talking about himself and inserting coarse, crude sayings (see below) into otherwise vanilla text, and because I actually like to think that people out there who are trying to slim may find some inspiration in my recipes and waffle. We don’t do it for the money, thank god, and we don’t do it just so we can show off our various Le Creuset bits and bobs.
That’s a TOTAL LIE. I’ll bloody shoe-horn in my Le Creuset cookware everywhere I can. Listen, I’ve known the horror of trying to cook an omelette on a pan that’s stickier than the front of a trainspotter’s Y-fronts, let me have my moment in the sun.
So, to that end, I’d be happier than a dog with two dicks if these little books went to a regular reader or someone who would get the benefit out of them. We used to enter competitions all the time – it’s great fun if you’ve got a lot of time on your hands. We had some great successes (I was particularly good at winning the caption contents) – we won a set of business class tickets anywhere around the world, an Xbox, £400…my favourite prize though was the horse shampoo. We don’t own a horse, and even if we did, I think I’d struggle getting the fucker into our shower. We also won a year’s worth of dishwasher tablets and a year’s supply of tampons. Not in the same competition I hasten to add, imagine getting those mixed up. You’d have a lemon-smelling fur burger and a bone-dry dishwasher. Aaah.
Anyway, get entering! Tomorrow’s meal is a delicious sausage rigatoni.
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